December 25, 2018, is the date I will never forget. Everyone was so excited about this day to open their gifts and eat together at Christmas dinner. Mum and I were busy preparing the turkey and the gammon early in the morning.

We live with my Mum and Dad in law both in their 80's so that we can look after them. Dad has diagnosed with Cancer September that year and my daughter, Tia was 2 years old at that time. We were devastated beyond words.

Morning of Christmas Day 2018

The Carers coming to our home every day to help Dad out. My Dad wasn't well that morning. He didn't bother for them to get him up from his bed. But when they're gone, Dad calls Mum to help him to change. He keeps asking if Tia is awake. I wasn't there at that time. Mum told me that.

Dad still keeps asking about Tia. He said he wants to see her opening the presents. He asked to wake her up. And there she comes!

Every year we always guess which toys she is going first and this time it's the Teletubbies for the win but because of there's many in there catching her eyes she doesn't know what to pick first.

We started to open our gifts one at a time. I watched them all Mum, Dad, my husband and Tia. Dad was so happy with the blanket he got. He said it's very warm. We got this for him coz he feeling cold lately. And get Mum the grandfather's clock that she's wanting years ago. The look in their faces opening their presents will always be in my deepest memory.

This is the last picture I took. I told Dad to smile and he did and took another shot and said "smile!" but he told me "I can't smile". And his face suddenly looks pale. It's starting to distort. His eyes turned. He said he's hungry! I grab a yoghurt from the fridge. He's trying to eat it. But I can see his tongue-twisting abnormally.

We call for the ambulance.

My Dad

He is my father in law. He is the sweetest, very kind and generous person I know. He wakes up every morning half seven to groom himself. He's a very clean person. Then he takes his breakfast and drinks tea that Mum prepared. He had a stroke twice and he had difficulty walking because of that. His hands are shaky most of the time. (He didn't stay in bed and tried his best to get up from stroke.) After breakfast, he will go straight to the garden.

He loves gardening. He loves to do something all the time even it's very challenging on his condition.

My Dad will never forget occasions. He always reminds Mum of sending cards and we always have something for Mother's Day, Valentine's Day, birthdays and all the occasion. He will buy dinner of our choice. He is always smiling and full of humour!

Me and Dad

We are very close. We are always in the garden together helping him with the tomatoes in the tunnel house of course with his favourite "Ba" as he calls Tia. He cut the hedges and I gathered them with the wheelbarrow. I always call him for tea. "Dad, tea time!" And he always shouted back at me, "Riggggght!" with a thumbs-up sign!

One unforgettable moment with him is when we are preparing pots for planting the tomatoes and he's teaching me how to tie a knot to make the foundation! But for feck sake, I cannot do it the same as he does. When he's doing it, it seems so easy but when I do it myself, it wasn't right! Btw my Dad works in the famous Harland and Wolff shipyard in Belfast where the Titanic was built. So he knows all the knots. I called Mum and my husband. And so the three of us trying to do the knot. It's like being in school trying to learn. And guess what! Neither of us can do it. Dad is losing his patience! 😂 He said, "Wake up Tia and maybe she can do it"! The 2 years old! We are laughing for feeling so stupid. The ending is Dad have to do it all himself!

One day an accident happened. 😢 He's using the electric saw when the thing jumped off and cut off his fingernail. We take him to the hospital because there's too much bleeding.

Then after 3 months, he fell in the garden. He fell so hard and hurt his arm. From there on he always complaining that is sore. No matter how many pain reliever he takes it doesn't work. He thought it's nerve pain he got. So he phones his Doctor to check him out. He went to the hospital for a scan.

But we didn't know we will be devastated for what's coming. They found out that he has a Cancer and told us the shocking news that "he might only live for a couple of weeks". 😭 That was the first time I had seen my husband cry.

The Ambulance came

While we were anxious about Dad, the ambulance came. The medic gets inside asking too many things. They have to do it first. But with Dad's condition, I wonder why their wasting time. Dad still answering their question. His speech was slurred. He can barely talk but you can still understand him. And when the ambulance said that they're taking him to the hospital now.

Dad said "No!". There's no voice came out from his mouth but you can read it from his lips. He's like begging them not to go. Not to take him away from us. We watched him taken inside the ambulance. And that was the last time we see him alive.

Christmas Dinner

It was just me and Mum. It was the saddest dinner ever. The dinner we thought we'll all be sharing for this special day. The chairs are empty. Mum keeps sobbing, tears falling from her eyes. She doesn't want to eat. I told her she must coz Dad won't be happy. She eats a little bit. After that, we received a call from the hospital. Dad is deteriorating she said. And that's one of the words I will never forget. Because when my husband and brother in law reach the hospital "he's already dead". So I always associated "deteriorating" to "dead "since then.

We were all heartbroken most especially Mum. My poor Mum. I don't know how to face her. I don't know what words to say to make her feel better. All I did was to hug her tight. I went outside and cried and screamed. I don't want to accept it. It's not really happening. It's Christmas. Christmas meant to be a celebration. But why are we mourning?

Maybe Dad holding on all along for that special day that he can see his Ba open her gifts. He wanted to see the happiness in her wee face.

Every now and again, Tia who is now 4 still thinks of his Lolo(granda) she keeps asking Mum when is he coming back. One night she saw an ambulance on tv and heard the word "hospital". Tia told Mum "Don't go there Lola (granny). My Lolo went there didn't come back". There are days she wants to go to the car and telling us we going to the hospital to see her Lolo. It's so heartbreaking.

Christmas is approaching. I missed you every day Dad but I missed you more during this time. Mum missed you a lot and most especially your Ba, Tia.

You're not here physically but you're always here in our heart. Loved and never forgotten.

I know that I'm not alone as some of you had experience losing a loved one. And I know how hard it is to cope up and face the reality that on that day onwards it will never be the same without them.

Live on!