What am I doing all these years?

I need to sit, calm down and rethink my life choices.

Semestral break is the time where I thought I would be the happiest. After a five to six-month long worth of hard work at school I can finally rest up and do all the leisure activities I could think of, unfortunately, I can’t. It has been a week since our break but I still barely got an hour of sleep. I can’t put my mind at ease, I can’t rest, I can’t sleep and all I can do is overthink.

I’m very nervous about life. I’m still in college, a third year engineering student taking an online class. Well, I should have started with that fact. Now, where are we? Yes, about being nervous and restless and all that. And as you can see or don’t, my heart is racing while I’m typing this down and my fingers are shaking. I don’t have a lot of friends, none I can think of right now that can help me, so if you’re reading this, bear with me a little more.

I took up an engineering course not with my own accord but because this is what in front of me and I don’t have any other choice, plus my older brother is also an engineer so it made me want this title too. But to be honest, I always wanted to be a doctor ever since I was a little girl. I worked really hard to get into one of the biggest university in my country. I also applied for scholarship and made sure everything is going according to what I have planned for. I passed my entrance exam and I also got my scholarship. And so I thought that was enough to cover for my college expenses. Then, life played a trick on me. Too bad for me I can’t leave the province and pursue my dreams in the city, really not for me. We got into some serious personal problems. Sadly, I need to give up my dream on becoming a doctor.

One week before the college entrance exam in the nearest university in my community, and I still haven’t got any backup plan for my collapsing future. When I took the entrance exam I had no idea that I would be placed as one of the highest scorers. That university is known for its engineering courses, my other relatives also told me that I should take engineering and so I did.

Back to present, so here I am now what is my point really? If I don’t want my course right at the beginning why did it took me three years to realize that I want out? Maybe I knew in myself that I grew loving this area, although I hated math in high school. Maybe everything’s going smoothly until this pandemic and online schooling happened. Nothing feels right about taking your classes on your own without some help. Maybe I stayed in my course because of my classmates, we helped each other out and we also had fun outside of school. But because of lockdowns, we’re trapped and that part of college life is gone too. I also hate to admit it, but I barely learned a thing. Not that I didn’t do my best to learn but I really think that it will be just better if we did it face-to-face.

So I’ll have a lot of free time for the following weeks, maybe I could use it to review my lessons. I need to finish engineering and the only way out is through. I’ll continue to struggle until I become an engineer. My dream of becoming a doctor, can wait, we don’t know what life stored for us, but now all we need to do is to keep going on and that's what kept me nervous, what if I can't kept going?

Easier said than done. It’s always easy to say anything positive but sometimes we can’t really live up to that positive outlook we have in our mind. It’s hard. There’s also this pressure building up inside me, since I’m not getting any younger. I turned 21 last December but I haven’t had done anything fruitful in my life, either opportunities slip through my finger one moment I’m not paying attention or door of opportunities is locked up hard and I don’t have any key. Maybe I could also this free time I have to go look for my key and open up my own door of opportunities. Maybe I will. Yes, I will. No matter how hard, no matter how negative I get each day I will still continue to go look for that little light and continue to go through my path that would help me fulfill my old and new dreams.

Thank you for reaching until the end of my blog. Have a nice life and keep doing what you want just don't step on other people's lives. And keep going, always.

(Lead image is from my own gallery.)