Being a child means a lot of things. Being able to play nonstop, worry about nothing, ask adults for anything, be taken care of, be loved, joyful, free, just... genuinely happy.
But I guess, I've come to the stage where everything I got used to, disappear. Just in an instant, I found myself left with nothing but myself. My bare self.
Growing up, I experienced lots of happy moments with my family. We're genuinely happy together, just by ourselves. We have a bond like no other. We often go to travel with unfamiliar places and meet good friends. Have a vacation outing on some place with breath-taking sceneries. Have meals together. Joke around with each other. We used to laugh at each other's flaws but supports and celebrate each others achievements. We're the kind of family that everyone dreamed to have.
But how did it everything changed? All these things, the ones I got used to, changed. As I stand here all alone right now, it's hard to distinguish where did it go wrong. The fantasies I had suddenly popped like a bubble. And then reality hits me.
Transition from childhood to adulthood is not like what I expected. It's harder than I thought. Not only with realizations I've got but with 'aloneness' I'm experiencing. Suddenly, there's no one to talk to, to joke around with, to let my lungs out with. All the feelings I have are piling up inside me and it seems like I can't take it anymore. It's overwhelming yet I have no outlet to vent it into. And even I do not know whats going on with me to feel all this heavy feelings I have. I can't even explain it myself. I'm afraid that once I'm filled with emotions, I'll just suddenly be devastated. Bombed.
Being an adult scares me, to be honest. The responsibilities I have to face, the problems, the exhaustion, everything about it scares me. But I've got no choice but to go with the flow of life. I am all alone being pushed to face the things I've been afraid of. I have no companion, no back-up. How do I do this?
Lying down at my bed, I kept thinking of past and be terrified with the future. Thinking about everything I took for granted. And decoding and figuring out things I have no clue about to begin with. Don't even talk about the present. It makes me anxious even more. Everyone around me are living their own lives. And I am left here in a cold closed room. I can't even figure out what living is like anymore. I have all this mask all around me, that even myself get fooled sometimes. The happy joyful one who always smile and laugh at things, joking around to make others happy.
Being alone is killing me. Maybe I should focus on some things and just make myself busy. Right?
Ugh. I just wanna to go to some open field and shout my voice out. Hoping it would take away all this anxiety.
Thank you for your time reading my first article here ❣️. I hope I'll get better with writing eventually 🤗