My grandfather died at 45. And everyone was devastated; especially my great-grandmother. She made a promise to never visit a religious place in her life. A firm believer of God was now angry at him because he took away all she had.
Growing up, I could never understand her reasoning behind the strong displeasure. Death is obvious, acceptance is the hardest block. So at 16, when I earned for the first time, I took her to a temple.
Thaku died earlier this year. 22nd January, to be precise. And exactly after 10 months, I realise where everything went wrong.
Thaku idolized her Gods. She had an image in her mind that outshined perfection. And it was obvious to feel deceived when the one she believed did not safeguard her. I realized it today when I mistakenly idolized someone for being himself. There is a fine line between admiring and idolizing someone. Idolising comes with an invisible overburden.
" I am sure he understands what makes me feel worried. "
" Oh, why did he do it? But he is so mature! "
" He didn't even consider my boundary. "
" Am I suffocating him? How do I escape the guilt now? "
The pattern I observed has been the replication of constant pressure without communication. The unusual expectation and the disappointment.
Somehow, I am repeating Thaku's mistake. She stayed mad at the idea of perfection. Deep down, she knew perfection did not exist, and she never sought it. Contrary to that, it's hazy imagery for me. I know where to draw the line and not to lose sight of reality, but sometimes the thoughts in my mind are too good.
When the illusion breaks, it will be a massacre of my belief. I don't want to feel crippled from the inside, but I already feel it on my skin.
My imagery of idealism has stains on him. He mocks my individualism and how I vent about my trauma. For a fact, I know I have bruised myself holding the dead thorns of the past and unknowingly I gift that bouquet to every passerby I possibly can.
It is disgusting. I loathe clinging.
But hearing that from him makes me accept the fact that he is nothing but just a mere man. And I don't want to see it like that. Because if I change my perspective, I will also have to throw away the stature I gave him.
I wish Thaku could have learned it too. In reality, our idea of idealism is so crooked.
That's sad u know, but this is life, today your grandpa tomorrow me, you after tomorrow someone else all we need is to have courage