My Childhood Friend

I had this childhood friend who I met during the first day of class in the 1st Grade. I don't have any idea what I'm getting myself into that time since I don't know anyone and it was raining so I was soaking in water. By the way, I got into the 2nd section because of the "I don't know what happened" reason. Here's the thing, I graduated with honors during kindergarten and all of my classmates got into the first section and I was the only one who had a different section. But since it was the first grade and it didn't get to me that hard during that time, I let it go.

Back during day one of school, I sat beside her and her friends, and the class had many students. I don't know how to properly say "Hi" since I might get no response back so I just didn't say a word. And we just became friends since her friend decided to change schools because of certain reasons. However, I don't hang out with her after class since we live far from each other and my parents will not let me.

Growing up in a conservative and strict family, I am not allowed most of the time to go out and be around with my friends. Although I can invite them inside the house, I can't hang out with them. But I didn't complain since I know at some point, they are just being protective since I'm the first child and a "daughter" at the same time. I will only be allowed to go out if it's for school purposes like meetings or dance rehearsals or project stuff.

Whenever I'm with her at school, I always talk to her, and even though, she had her friends after school, I don't think about it. I'm okay as long as she talks to me and gets along with me because I'm afraid to have no friends in class.

But it all changed during 6th Grade.

6th Grade was the most complicated and most traumatizing year for me. I experienced a lot of pain rather than fun since that's when I realized people judged me because of my looks. And they look at me as a nerd who just wants to study and be alone most of the time.

One time, I argued with some girls in my class because I told the teacher that they were trying to cheat for an exam. And it was the truth all along but since I'm a nobody at school, no one ever believed me. I got bullied, although not physically, and it got to the point where I just have myself and no one else. On the bright side, eventually, we forgive each other and it was done, or so I think.

During those times where I only had myself, I realized that my so-I-thought best friend was getting along with the ones that bullied me. I even heard the news that she's the one who said to them that I was the one at fault. Since I was having the anxiety attack because I'm negatively becoming the center of attention and I trust her that she won't turn her back on me, I didn't notice what she did. It was so infuriating and that starts me having trust issues even up to my friends right now.

Although I managed to talk to other girls which had my side back then, I got disappointed when I didn't see my best friend beside me. It must have been really hard for a nobody to have friends since no one will ever like someone who is a loser. I know I manage to have good grades but that doesn't count on anything around having a friendship. Most people will like you because of your looks and somehow able to get along with or like how fun you are to be around.

From my perspective, I usually want to talk about future stuff since I want to at least, know about future things. And people at my age don't want to know about that line of conversation. I may be the problem because I know in myself that I have to enjoy my youth rather than having that maturity to the point where you can't have friends.

After that 6th Grade argument and roller coaster journey, I didn't have the chance to talk to her ever since. I notice her sometimes when she goes to church with her friends but that's it.

I now understand that the people I love and put trust in will eventually stab me in the back. This is why I don't like talking about most of the things that happen in my life so might as well, keep them, rather than sharing them with other people. It made me realized that I am the only one who will understand me even though I don't know most about myself or what's going on in my mind since I always think twice.

I doubt myself and the people around me every time.