Painful boundaries?

For those we love, the freedom to say no is as equally as valuable as being supportive.......

To some, being a person who lets someone else down is very painful. To feel the sting of that pain doesn’t even require that we have a deep relationship with them. It might just be that having to tell the friend of a friend’s cousin’s aunt that you can’t help her change out her fax cartridge tonight is enough to activate the pain of causing someone else disappointment.

It can be quite a journey to get to a place of feeling comfortable with letting another person down. And for our close relationships, the ability to let them down while still maintaining deep connection seems impossible. Being okay (validating and staying leaned in) with someone else who is not okay because of something you’ve done requires personal internal work as well as intentional learning, practice, and skill.

If it doesn’t feel safe to say “no,” one way to respond is to just keep doing, overbooking, over extending, rushing here and there. This is likely to leave you feeling pulled in various directions, exhausted, and maybe even resentful of all the people who keep asking you for things.

For others it’s easier to just “act like you don’t care” or say “that’s their problem if they don’t like it” but that has side effects too. The relationship is likely to be left in a strain or diminished state.

For those we love, the freedom to say no is as equally as valuable as being supportive of how our no is impacting our loved one. Grace and truth. Grace first.

“I know you wish I could help with that but I am not up for it.”

“I would love to be able to help in that way but I am not available.”

“I see how hard that is for you. I am not able to support you right now but who else can?”

We often feel compelled to tell all the reasons we “can’t” but that is not necessary and often not required. What draws us closer is not excuses but rather connection.