Lonely. Alone. Unheard.
As a teenager who's trying to chase her dreams, I've battled with infinite judgments, illogical criticisms, inequality, and voice suppression. Worst is, I even lost myself in the process of pursuing the future. Back when I was in grade school until senior high, I was this person who has a jolly personality, extrovert, and was a people pleaser. I used this as a mask to cover up all my insecurities, wounds, and worries. To be recognized was my "why" in most of my pursuits. And whenever I did not get the attention I wanted, I'd be agitated inside and would be questioning my worth.
Back then
Back then, I didn't pay much attention to knowing myself. I perceived that I was supposed to act and speak what is expected of me. I spent most of my time forcing myself into that tiny space to which I do not belong. I took whatever was given to me out of mere responsibility. I was very indecisive up to the moment that I feared being alone. Honestly, I was reliant on social validation because that's how I comfort myself. When my friends get to laugh at my jokes and when my relatives praise me for having a great academic performance.
Pandemic happens
A new virus began to spread in early 2020. Countries raised travel restrictions and even blocked their borders. And this is when the government implemented lockdowns in all regions. We stayed in our homes, people were depressed, but this is a whole new chapter to me.
I've subconsciously raised my barriers with the people around me. Anxiety went up and would always greet me at night. No one knew. I fed them clues but still, no one dared to look at them. Everything grew complex and nothing seemed interesting. This might be it, the one I feared the most.
I was breathing and no one knew I'm existing
How terrifying. For the majority of my past chapters, I exerted a lot of effort to look good, to be the friend they needed, and to excel in school. I never knew it could be this tormenting, to be loud and soundless at the same time. In the third quarter of 2020, I was aiming for change. It took me some time to realize my bad habits and discover my fresh, authentic self. I would say that it was tough for me at that time especially, I had to redivert my mindset and challenge my prior convictions in life. Trials and errors, it was. While I was treating my wounds inside, another challenge came. What a life.
The Change
Despite trials, I managed to heal myself. Rainbows truly show after rains. Now, I do not feel intimidated anymore by their loudness. It is the power that introverts hold. Stillness, calmness, and silence. Currently, I am more intentional with my pursuits. Even though the progress seems a little too sloppy, it is definitely worth the tears and sweat. I may still have wounds to heal, but it's just a verse in my song. Let your actions speak louder than your words.
Author's Note
I wrote this one while looking back at my past and it gives me chills realizing how far I've gone. And a song of my favorite K-POP boyband is my inspiration in opening this dark piece of my art. By the way, if you are interested in the song, you can search Whalien 52 of BTS. It is such a great and relatable song especially if you're like the subject in that song. I wouldn't claim that it was my only doing why I am healed right now. It was His grace that saved me from the silence which once feared the most. Now, I learned that meaningful silence is more powerful than obscure loudness.
Yesterday, I was conceptualizing what topic I should write about today. I did come up with a bunch of ideas. Sadly, I couldn't gather up all my thoughts up to entirely compose an article with the ideas I have. Thanks to #promptfactory and @meitanteikudo for providing this helpful and engaging writing prompt. Of course, as writers, we cannot escape from the presence of writer's block.
Published: November 12, 2021
