Hi! I'm Shane and I suffer from depression and splitting.

In this post, I share to you the aches of the pessimist in me in contrast to the optimist inside of me. This is to spread awareness of the on-going battle inside the head of someone who suffers depression. And though the experience may not be the same for everyone, I believe that my experience may overlap with yours. To those who are not familiar or alien to the concept of splitting here is the article you can read:

https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/psychologists/what-is-splitting-psychology/

Note: Trigger warning. Please click away if you get triggered in anyway.

1. THE PESSIMIST INSIDE

"Help yourself."

Those two words are quite haunting to hear.

I'm a person who is diagnosed with depression. Sometimes, it's hard enough to get out of bed. There are days when you feel all the heaviness of the world. Days when there's no hope and seem the cycle of despair seem to go on and on. Even the thought of breathing makes you cynical, delirious and angry. There are times when you're so unmotivated that even the thought of existing for your family seem to be out of reach.

You say to yourself, "How the h*ll am I supposed to get out of this rut?" .

"You're so useless."

"You're a slob, a disgrace."

"You're fat and ugly."

"You're the worst kind of sister."

"You're not really good, you're just pretending."

"You wanted that to happen."

"You're good for nothing."

"Noone will love you."

You think of ways to feel motivated but the cycle of overthinking gets to you. You remember every single trauma you've ever faced, every single hurt, every single comment.

Others say to you, "Stop being so lazy.."

"Stop being so distant."

"Stop being so moody."

"Stop being so depressed."

"You should pray more, the bad spirits got to you."

"You used to be so active and bright."

"So irresponsible."

"Stop being so depressed!"

"Get over it!"

"HELP YOURSELF!!!!"

I know! I know I'm supposed to help myself. But there are times where I cannot. There are times when I also need help. I just...don't know how to ask for it. All is lost.

2. THE OPTIMIST

Good day everyone! To those who don't know! I'm the brighter side of Shane's personality. I'm the one who forces her to get up and go on with her day even when it's hard. I always know that talking to our friends is the surest way to brighten our day!

Maybe some of you psychology enthusiast are confused with this concept, "Why aren't I diagnosed with personality disorder? If you are splitting?"

Well, in from what I have read, you do not get diagnosed with a disorder even when you have the symptoms when your system works properly. Simply put, you do not get diagnosed if you are able to continue living a normal life despite the symptoms.

So there, though I suffer from occasional splitting, I have not been diagnosed with any personality disorder. Instead, I am diagnosed clinically for depression.

My therapist says that after a few months of therapy I shall be able to improve my cognitive function very soon. ^_^ And that I need not worry because I have awareness of my splitting tendencies and that it is okay to be this way, we just need to work on integrating, slowly.

So yes, right now, I'm taking therapy, reading articles, writing my journals, coloring and baking as a form of therapy. :))

If you have any questions regarding this or you just wanna talk! Feel free to comment down~ ^_^