Hi. I'm a 20-something female with depression and splitting defense mechanism. This has been a burden to me due to series traumatic events from my childhood to adolescent years. It has took me so long to see a clinical psychologist because of the financial difficulties of going through therapy. But right now, I am happy to be able to have therapy from the support of my family and friends.

In this article and the next ones I will make, I will be sharing my journey to recovery.

MEMOIRS 1.

I will share a bit of what goes inside the mind of a person that undergoes splitting. For those of you who doesn't know what splitting is you can read this article:

https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/psychologists/what-is-splitting-psychology/

To simply put, splitting is a defense mechanism done by everyone of us. But it negatively impacts a person when this is coupled by depression and splitting has taken a significant toll on the person's cognitive functions (learning, thinking, reasoning, remembering, problem solving, decision making, and attention).

WARNING: This is an authentic journal entry from one of my bad episodes. This post might be a trigger to those suffering with mental-health issues. So please, if you are triggered click away from the post. :)

The next few lines are my journal entries prior therapy. You will see that I am trying to analyze myself while "talking" to my "other selves" or "split selves". Forgive the curse words. I reckon it's better to be completely transparent.

So Hi.

I was told to write things about the past.

I was told to this more than a week ago but I only did it now.. 6 hours from my therapy session.

Well.. I wrote somethings but most of them are non-specific.

I don't know why I can't write them.

If I try to explain it.. maybe it's because it's easier to just think about them than to talk about them.

I'm shit at explaining.

I tend to overthink that's why I can't explain "everything that I think about".

Like, where do I even begin?

Ever had that feeling where you feel like things are supposed to be too irrelevant but you have to talk about them?

Yep, that's what I'm feeling now.

Ever feel like you're a different person while typing because this is a different type of tone of voice inside your head?

Yep, that's what's happening now.

I hate to admit that there are times where I tend to feel like I'm in the backseat and I feel like watching myself in the 3rd person point of view.

WELL. being the curious person that I am. I've dabbled into the internet yeaaars (I am thinking that this is too informal for me, thus I wanna change it to: years) ago until now, and I've found out that that maybe dissociation.

Yep, come to think of it, whenever I am talking to my psychologist, I tend to have this persona of the victim, the helpless kind of Shane.

But lol, as I am typing right now, I feel like a different version of Shane too. I'm the cynical, calculated, maybe manipulative one hehe.

Sometimes I get so scared of how weird I am. Like now, I also am talking in another voice...I mean, as I type the words, I hear a "different persons" voice or a "different" Shane voice.

Uhmm. Yeah.

HMMMM. I just fear that I might be an non-diagnosed bipolar or BPD or MPD (DID) kind of person. OR I'M JUST TOO FUCKING MOODY.

GAAAAAAAHHH!! (literal I just heard someone scream in the back of my head)

I mean, I've researched it and I don't think I have Schizophrenia. I mean.. hopefully I don't have that.

It's just that I here different versions of Shane in my head sometimes.

It's kinda hays, how can I say it. It's kinda hard trying to describe something that has been habitual. I mean, I've kinda had these kinds of "voices" or "thinking pattern" inside my brain for as long as I can remember.

So, describing a second nature ... kinda ticks me off a bit. Right now, my brain is like in overdrive or something (I feel like this is another one of the voices)

HAYYYYS. Or maybe I just believe I have voices.

BUt fuck

I hate it.

I mean, this wasn't the first time. I had that incident where I locked myself in bed and cried and literally picturing out my 7 year old self and the other person who is idk the "care giver" of the whole system.

btw, my head is hurting right now, I mean my nape.

like hurting real bad. It's like my brain is stretching itself.

so yeah I am typing using notepad so it'll be faster. gaah

I worry about myself sometimes, I feel like I'm too weird to even let out the true "psycho" or "cynic" part of me. That's why.. I play the part.

What if, I'm just really insane but I'm too smart to be insane? or... my incessant need to please people. Maybe that.

well, just researched what schizophrenia symptoms are.......................... and i oop. hahahahahah

what the hell is wrong with me?

I need a diagnosis. I'm just... too abnormal.

out of all the 3 possible things, I'm more close to the BPD thing. I check out all the boxes except the self-mutilating part. but welp, i have thought of that. WHY HAVEN'T I DONE IT?

uhmmm.. well. family, friends, boyfriend. also, I feel like I can still fight this shit.

HAYUAYAYAYAYSADGASFGAUYSGFAUYSDFGIDF

Yeah well.

Okay, nglsdglgkljdkgjldfglkdfjglk yup.

Inani ka clustered akong brain karon. It's 4 am and I can't or my brain won't let me.. go to sleep.

I can try but I also want to keep writing.

I fell asleep after that.

So yes, this is what it looks like when I have my bad days. Most times though, I am high-functioning but there are just times where I'm so drowned in thought that bad episodes happen.

My purpose here is not to spread fear but to spread spread awareness that there mental health isn't a made-up concept nor is it something to take lightly. We must normalize it and make therapy accessible to those who are financially-challenged.

Cliche but we all must be kind to one another because pain is real.

Also, kindness is free and I believe kindness circles back! ^_^

If you have any questions, feel free to comment down below! I'll help as much as I can! :)

Stay safe everyone! Keep fighting!