The Boy with Chris Pine Blue Eyes

It's difficult for any youngster to get through high school on their own, but when it's combined with an uncomfortable adolescent's idea of love someone, life becomes an emotional roller coaster. As if I didn't already have enough on my plate dealing with a chemistry teacher who called me "Crash" (after I dropped a beaker in our first lab), an acerbic algebra teacher who said I didn't have the aptitude for the subject, and a flirtatious French teacher who laughed at her own jokes while flirting with students. Then, of course, I made things much more difficult for myself by falling in love.

It all began one morning when I went to my locker to grab a French book I hadn't used in a month and couldn't remember where it was. My toes were kicked in the locker room and I was driven against the apex of high school popularity standing to my right by someone who had trodden on them. As Miss Popularity was applying her lipstick, I unintentionally struck her. I noticed a red spot on her acne-free, rouged cheek in the reflection of the three mirrors that hung in her locker. I also had a glimpse of the individual who had caused this accident. When I turned around to get a better look, he was right there in front of me.

For me, the locker doors didn't shut, and Miss Popularity wasn't going to sulk. All I could see was him. My stomach and breath were being yanked from my shaking body as if someone had reached down and grabbed them with forceful fingers. His sapphire eyes pierced my heart and engraved every detail of his face into my memory. In the dressing room, a tall, slim figure stuck out like a sparkling gem. He turned back and apologized when he saw my eyes burning into him, saying, "Ah, sorry. My apologies." The words were uttered by a voice capable of rescuing a man from a cliff. Because of the way he spoke, I knew he was distressed about moving my body—or maybe it was the burrito he had for lunch that wasn't agreeing with him—I'm not sure. For the rest of that day and the next, I was consumed by thoughts of him. Sleepless nights were filled with beautiful dreams as I pondered the whereabouts of this little boy. Idle daydreams filled boring math classes. I couldn't get enough of this senior with the eyes of Chris Pine.

I wasn't the only one who thought it would be a good idea to have Blue Eyes as a partner. Miss Popularity determined that he would be the ideal playful puppy out of all the drooling dogs beseeching, whimpering, and pawing for her attention. And to make matters worse, I was forced to observe her rudimentary lunchroom wooing practice.

Her hips would bounce from side to side as she walked toward the soda machine in an attempt to catch one of his glowing blue eyes. She was well aware of her attractiveness. When he started to enjoy it, this was the beginning of the end for him. Her skirt drew up, exposing her thighs as she fought to withdraw a quarter from her warm pocket with her bare hands. Infatuation was coursing through Blue Eyes' veins. Fiery tears welled up in his eyes, as foam poured forth from his mouth. He was picturing the metal, so close to her body, and then sliding from her manicured palm to the floor, with the heat radiating off of it. Those blue eyes peered down at her slender legs as he took the currency in his hand. His nose was filled with laundry detergent and the pleasant whiff of a teenage girl's perfume as he stood so close to her.

My stomach was churning, and it grew into a hopeless nausea as a result of the scene. The vibrant realm of romance has descended into a gloomy abyss. There were 400 pounds of weight hanging from every hair of mine. I had no intention of succumbing to the pressure of Miss Popularity, who was also my best friend. The goofy sidekick, I was. Her smile could turn the world on, and I couldn't turn the world on at all.

As a result of Miss Popularity's rigorous thorough stories, I gradually learned more about my new love from friends and acquaintances.

"Oh, Lisa, he has such a wonderful scent!"

Smile. Miss Popularity, I'm sure anything with a pulse smells lovely to you.

"Also, he's a sweetheart!"

Bigger grin. 'Tis the season. Also, what gives him the ability to be so endearing? Perhaps it's because of your slender figure.

That said, I may have to tweak his style. "Then he's going to be a hottie!"

Smile. Nod. There is no doubt that he is attractive. This child is already banned in 37 states and 2 territories, so what if he gets any sexier? This youngster has no business being out in public.

As I gathered the essentials—name, address, and interests—a detailed game plan for a meeting began to take shape in my head. It didn't take long for a Blue Eyes encounter to derail my plans, though. During one of his study halls (by this point, I was aware of his schedule), he came to my photography class to finish off some work on a picture. My heart was pounding, and my hands trembled. I'm not sure if I should pretend to like him or not. Is it wrong of me to be aware of him? No, I don't think that's a good idea.

He's listening. Your closest friend's boyfriend is dating him. Speak with him! He has such a sweet face, but I know he'll be staring right back at me. Not a chance in hell. He had to be fooling me. In any case, I doubt he's wearing that top. I love the shirt he's wearing. How am I supposed to converse with someone who is so dapper in a t-shirt? With the proper amount of cling, the cotton is molded to complement the squeezable softness of his skin...

He said, "Phat print," but I couldn't respond since I was too caught up in my own head-trip.

With my heart racing, I wasted my one chance to converse with that walking, talking piece of art. Days dragged on, as did Miss Popularity's romance with Blue Eyes. Eventually, the two of them broke up. In the hallway, he would nibble at her heels and try to get her attention. While at school, they'd snuggle and she'd even feed him at lunch. They pulled off every phony couple stunt you could think of. When they were all there, I'm astonished no one went into a severe nausea and vomiting fit.

But, as with many beautiful things, their romance had to come to an end. After Miss Popularity realized that Blue Eyes was no longer a puppy, their relationship began to deteriorate. According to Miss Popularity's late-night confessions, he was not learning any new tricks.

Afterward, I attended his graduation and felt a sensation of failure and sadness fill my body as he tossed his cap and flipped his tassel.

Good-bye. You're an idiot, Mary Joseph. For nearly a year, you were preoccupied with him! Isn't it true that you never spoke a word to him? It's completely silent. He'd have laughed at you if you'd told him about your crush. He was never yours to begin with.

Oh, but he was very nice to me. I adored him despite the fact that he was completely unaware of my existence.

It's time to move on. Half of your classmates had no idea you're still alive.

While he was gone, I saw a blue Honda Civic speeding out of sight. I knew he was gone when the tires peeled and the stench of burning rubber filled the air.

Then, like a huge weight being lifted from my shoulders, I felt a sense of accomplishment and relief wash over me. In high school, I survived the agonizing agony of having a crush on a boy. There was no class project or school lunch comparable in difficulty or indigestibility.