What About Me?

September 1, 2021

Dear diary,

I'm writing since I don't have someone to whom I can express my emotions. All of this is bottled up inside of me, and I'm not sure I'll be able to keep it to myself. My friends, I'm sure, have their own issues that are either as frustrating as mine or even worse. As just a conclusion, I won't be bothering them with my problems.

These days, I feel like I'm going to give up at any moment. I'm exhausted with being a filial daughter. I sometimes wish I could simply give up and let them think what they want about me. Sometimes I just want to do whatever I want without considering how it would affect others. But I can't do that since I'm a filial daughter. All I can do is cry quietly and try to keep the tension at bay.

I often got the impression that my mum only cares about me when I have money. She never loved and cared for me as much as she does for my siblings when I was a child. When I'm not around and they're eating something delicious, she never thinks about saving some for me, and when she does, it's so little that I think it's better not to save anything at all. Because my younger siblings are all she worries about. I never had the opportunity to eat a breakfast cooked by her, but she still cooks for her younger children, even though they are old enough to fend for themselves.

She barely gave me the right amount of allowance when I was in college. Because I didn't have enough money to pay for the fare, I had to walk four times a day from our house to school in the searing heat of the sun. Because the money she provided me isn't even enough to cover the cost of photocopying the library's books. I know she have money, but she's always been stingy with me. In comparison to my younger siblings, who are still in high school, she lavishes more attention on them than she does on me.

They didn't sacrifice too much for the purpose of my education because I graduated from college with a lot of support from scholarships. While my peers study for the licensure exam, I choose to work for a company since I know my mother will not be able to cover the costs of the study and examination. I worked and paid for everything myself, and fortunately, I was able to pass the exam on my own accord.

While working, I was giving them the money I earned. Almost more than a half of my salary are given to them because I don't want to hear anything bad from them. I don't want to hear them say I'm being stingy. I endured working without getting much for myself. But when the time came that I lost my job, she would still say bad things towards me. Not even considering the good deeds I did in the past.

The idea that she is unconcerned about what I do for them hurts me. I have the impression that she only loves me when I have money. They requested me a few months ago to get them a smart television because they no longer liked the one they had at home. I continued resisting since I was on the verge of running out of money on my account. I can get the money I get from working as a teacher within a few months. But they pestered me for days about it, and my mother even told me that I was such a lousy child that I couldn't even grant their wish. They were bothering my conscience, so I went ahead and bought it for them. But they want the bigger one, which costs more than $600, so I cleared my bank account and received Bitcoin cash in my wallet. I didn't want to waste all of my bitcoin on something that wouldn't benefit me, so I agreed to pay the remaining balance to cover the total cost of the television they requested. As a result, I pay $20 every 18th of the month. But I'm not thinking about it because I want them to be happy. At the very least, they aren't nagging me about it every day anymore.

I opted to work as an online English teacher, but I am unable to complete the application because they have four noisy dogs at home. I asked them to let the other dogs out and only take one so that the noise would be reduced and I could go ready for work. They, on the other hand, are adamant about not doing so. As a result, I decided to build a small office at home. I don't have much money, so I requested my mother to borrow a small sum from the bank, which I would pay back monthly because I will be hired as soon as the office is ready, and guess what? She took out a larger loan than I anticipated. And what's worse? The office is still being built until now, so I can't work properly, the money is gone, and I have no idea what they did with it. Worse, I'm paying for it on a monthly basis!

Now she's asking for the monthly payment, and I informed her I only have 80% of the money because I just paid over $70 for our internet connection last Sunday. We can't afford to lose internet access for a longer length of time because my siblings rely on it for online classes and I rely on it for work. What makes me mad  is my mother's inability to understand that I can't make more than a hundred bucks in a week. It irritates me that she is forcing me to do these things when I am already stressed about schoolwork. 

I have papers due tomorrow, and I can't afford to worry about other things when I have more essential things to accomplish, because I can't focus on what matters when I'm stressed.

All I have left now is to write about my emotions while crying. Why can't my mother think about my feelings for a second? When I don't have money, why can't she love and care for me? What about me, if they take everything from me? I'm sick of it; should I just die so they can get more money from me after I'm gone?

The diary of a Filial daughter.

P.S. Not my real story, I just incorporated some of my experiences for the sake of references of the article lol.