.
I remember, it was 2015. I was busy preparing my final project, revisions here and there, although in my opinion, all the revisions were still nothing.
Incidentally, in the same year, my parents left the city because my grandmother was sick. I, who is still 20 years old, has to take care of my two younger brothers. Sound spoiled? Not really. This is a tough task.
I never told my parents what I was going through. How I hate myself, also my incredible mood swings. In one day, I can change my mood more than five times. Even my mood for the next five minutes I don't know.
My friends think I'm weird because my mood swings are outrageous. I want to control it, alas, it is difficult. My close friends didn't believe me and instead thought I was joking when I felt my mood was changing too quickly. They said, "There's no way a smart kid like you can feel something like that!"
I fell silent. They don't know anything. Since then, I have been close friends with sharp objects, no longer human, again, please don't imitate. At first everything was getting better, until in 2018, this demon came again.
At that time I was already working and was a little annoyed by how other people looked at me. This demon was even more violent than it was in 2015. I even withdrew from the crowd and didn't want to socialize. At the office, I just come, work, go home. Until my boss saw that I was a little confused and when I smiled, he said, "You know, can you smile?"
Believe it or not, it offends me.
Yes, I rarely smile, but this touches my sensitive point.
My mood was getting worse and I even dared to end my own life, until finally in July 2018, I ventured to go to a psychiatrist. After several visits and being asked by the doctor, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.
According to the NIMH website, the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder are:
Attempts to avoid neglect are like cutting ties with someone in anticipation of being neglected. In other words, people with BPD are very sensitive to someone's neglect.
Patterns of intense and unstable relationships with family, friends, loved ones, and often change between extreme affection to anger and mistrust in a flash.
An unstable or distorted self-image
Dangerous impulsive behavior, such as: wasting money, having unprotected sex, abuse of drugs, driving recklessly and overeating.
Self-injurious behavior
Recurring thoughts of suicide
Moods are intense and can change rapidly, lasting several hours or days
Chronic feelings of emptiness
Anger control problems
Difficulty trusting others and sometimes accompanied by irrational fear of other people's intentions
Feelings of dissociation
My first reaction? Daydream. When I got home, I was just hysterical. Blame myself why this is like this and how I tell my parents. Blaming everything on myself, assuming no one loves me and they wish me not. Perhaps, sensing me slowly changing, my mother invited me to talk. At first I was reluctant, until finally my mother caught me crying. When I finally admitted what had happened to me, my mother and father were clearly both disappointed and worried. They were sad, and the sadness had an impact on me. But they supported me to slowly change for the better. However, in October 2019, the doctor convicted me of two mental disorders: Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolar Disorder. My reaction was not as great as the first time I heard Borderline Personality Disorder. Slowly, I started following mental health accounts on social media. Psychiatrist accounts. Uploaded mental health chat bot applications (eg Wysa, Youper, etc.), started journaling to vent my anger and take my mind off dangerous things. I regularly take medication and visit the doctor. It's not easy. It's tiring. But I believe, I can get through it. I, you, we, can definitely make it through. Do not give up. Your existence means a lot to everyone. With love, People with Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolar Disorder Survivor
great dear i have scribed you my dear friend