Feeling Blue
I don't know why I have to feel this from time to time. It is not only because of the pandemic or the covid-19 cases surge but I think it is all because I am already bound to different kinds of responsibilities that sometimes I cannot fulfill. I am lack in so many aspects that causes me to doubt myself. I always compared myself to other moms I know. I know they are doing their best for their kids to raise them well. Meanwhile, I am not able to do and give my kids their needs and demands. I feel like an empty pocket. I feel like I am useless. I know this isn't right but I don't know how to get rid of this odd feeling of mine.
There's a lot of things I want to do but I just can't do it because I am not capable of doing so and something is blocking my way which is myself. I am the hindrance. I am the one who's making my dreams to be just a dream. I am the one who's making things not to be settled on time. It was very hard for me to understand what exactly I want. Sometimes I end up daydreaming of the past where I can freely do something I want. I am not regretting having kids and family but sometimes I wish that I can go somewhere or anywhere I want especially when I am feeling sad. I also wish to have my room so I can have privacy and so I could cry without hesitation and feeling of awkwardness when someone saw me weeping.
Why do I have to feel this way all of a sudden? I mean I think I am lucky enough to have shelter, food, and water because others don't have it every time. I have kids that someone wishes for. I have in-laws whom I can count on. I have supportive brothers and sisters. But I just don't have any Cash in my wallet right now, haha. Maybe that's the reason why I am feeling blue right now. You know what? I am dreaming of having a small but durable house for my family but without money, I can't keep that dream. I am just unhappy knowing the fact that I am not able to give my kids a good and beautiful life they could have.
I am just leaving it here, I hope someday my dreams will come true, and when that happens I am gladly and willingly share with you my happy journey.
