The Messenger Child

Before saying goodbye, she comments to her son; "Remember when your father comes for you, (if he comes, because he surely has something more important to do)... to tell him that your shoes are already worn out and don't fit you, or is it that he forgets that you are growing up? is he forgetting you? " This is just a classic example of a wounded woman's errand to a man guilty of leaving home. With this toxic language, the son becomes the messenger between his divorced parents.

My friend reader, if you may be at this moment identifying yourself with this topic, it is essential to emphasize that it is one thing to separate as a couple (marital level; couple relationship) and quite another to separate as parents (parental level; parents' relationship with their children). Both conjugal and parental levels, although they are on different levels in the family relationship environment, in practice they become entangled with each other and are coupled one to the other. Parent, this cannot happen since the divorce was with your ex, not with your children.

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Let us never forget that children suffer equally from the stress of their parents' divorce. The way they react depends on their personality, their age when family conflicts occur, and the specific situations of the separation and divorce process. Children under the age of 7 react with fear and deep feelings of sadness and loss, agitation, and unhappiness especially in the period of the breakup. Some older children prefer to remain silent. As parents, it is healthy to accept that your older child may not feel like talking especially when used as a messenger.

By using the child as a messenger where the missive speaks ill of one of the parents, the consequence is an emotional burden that weighs heavily on the child. Always remember that children love both parents equally. It is advisable to deal as sanely as possible with household matters related to the children directly with your ex, avoiding using the children as messengers. It is important for everyone's sake to discuss the fundamentals, leaving aside personal grudges.

I offer you parents, if you are living this situation, two suggestions for you to consider as much as possible for the emotional health of the children.

1.- Talk to your ex and offer a neutral and stable basis for dealing with the children's issues: Many times you do not have one of the parents and the children are taken care of without the support of the ex. In this case, there is no need to establish a neutral basis for dialogue. However, if both parents agree to maintain responsibilities with the children, it is convenient to offer an accessible channel of communication, for example, video calls, calls, WhatsApp, email, to deal with issues directly related to them, thus avoiding being used as messengers.

2. The best thing is to keep the children out of the conflict: Explain to them in terms of easy understanding according to the age of the child, but with sincerity what is happening in the family nucleus, without detailing the causes of the conflict, explain to them that they are going to divorce and that they will not be able to continue living together, but both will still love them and will continue to be responsible for them. Parents, you have to give everyday tokens of affection and shared time with the children, where they are not used to carry messages of resentment and hatred.

Remember, dear reader, when I published the article "Can I be a chameleon?" in the Parenting community, that it is up to the parents to change. It is important to heal wounds. Divorce is not the end, it is the beginning of a new experience, live it healthily for yourself and the emotional well-being of your children.

Parents, show by your actions that you are both still involved in the children's lives with responsibility and love.

I look forward to your comments. Thank you