July 29, 2020
He got mad again today. He had a row with his mom and vented his anger at her.
Sigh...
I don't know why I could never get used to people shouting in anger and acting like they're in a road rage. It honestly scares me far more than anything.
His anger today is no different. The nasty things he told me....he said it again. He turned on me and screamed that I should just speak up front if I am already giving up because he's alreadt tired of the life we have and he wants to get away from that hardship. I don't know what he means by that...if he wants us to divorce or something. I honestly don't know....
To be honest, I was excited back then to finally be with him with out kids. I wanted to finally experience what its like to wakenup next to him and raise our kids with 2 parents instead of me doing all the load of being a mother and father. But now? I'm starting to view everything as a mistake. I can't see his happiness in us being together...with him finally being with his kids. The feeling that we are just a heavy baggage for him is getting stronger and I feel my heart breaking in two. Is everything that has happened between us just a mistake?
Sigh..
You know, I wish we never met at all. I wish I ignored those flutteering butterflies that made me feel happy when we talked. Or the euphoria of feeling his warm lips against mine. I wish we never got together to save both of us hurting like we are right nos. I don't like saying hurtful things at him. I don't want to be the kind of person who carries this painful load against the one they love. If we hadn't met, we would both be single right now and be doing the things we both love....separately. But its so hard..we're both tied to one another and this frustration and resentment he's feeling about our relationship isn't helping.
If I can go back in time, I'd go back when I was in my senior year in college. I'd be more focused on what I want to have for a career and enjoying the single life. I would find a great job and just focus on it...focus on my life..focus on me. Instead of raising kids and being a mom too soon.
I know what I'm saying sounds awful but its like.....our relationship is a burden in both our lives because of the pain we are causing to each other.
Sometimes, he's happy being with our kids. He loves being with them. But when he's stressed, he starts regretting everything including having our kids. I sometimes want to just tell him I quit. I quit being everything in his life. I want to go back to my country even if it means I am jobless and penniless. I'll try to make ends meet for me and the kids just so I would not feel like I am burden to him.
I hope one day, he'll stop saying that he regrets our marriage. And maybe stop telling me how I am no help at all.