July 22, 2020
I am quite disappointed with my husband today. He promised to be sweet and tender to me but I feel like he has no intention of being sweet..... At all.
He promised that he'll hug me every night and he'll kiss me every time. Nothing.
Nada.
Zilch.
When he's pissed off, he'll be cold towards me and its frustrating because I spent years without his hugs and kisses because of our long distance marriage and this is how he treats me. And now that we are together, it feels like its a heavy burden on his part to even give me those simple things.
He hugged me a while ago but it felt empty...cold. It never crossed his mind that I have needs far more than that but I wm willing to settle for just cuddles and kisses because I know he must be having it rough lately.
I feel weak-kneed right now. It feels like I have to beg him for affection and attention each time.
And like right now he's just lying down in the bed and I want to desperately snuggle in his arms and feel his warmth and taste his lips but I can't. The kids are asleep and in a few hours, we'll be up again and juggling three kids and he'll be off doing groceries. He'll be exhausted and lacking sleep and he'll probably get mad again because he feels like he can't get a breather from our 3 kids.
Sometimes I wonder if the decision to finally close the gap between us (distance - wise) because I get this weird feeling that he is regretting being with me and our kids. Like the other day, he got so mad he told me to pack up because he's gonna send me and kids to my sister in another state. I felt numbed and broken. We've been married for 7 years and we only manage to be a family once a year or once every 2 years and he just decides to throw me and the kids somewhere else because of his temper? I felt dejected and lost. We know we have both been wanting to be together as a family after all this years and he just decides that on a whim? I honestly would leave him if he insisted. Not because I want to.....but because he just up disregarded the hardships we've been through and he's just going to throw me and the kids somewhere we barely have no clue where in the world without money or anything on ourselves? My tears just won't stop flowing. I just want to sleep so badly and dream that this is just a nightmare.
I can't eat properly. My stomach is in knots and I feel horrible. I wonder.....what if I waited? Would God have given me someone better than the man I am with right now? Would I be in a better place?