Letters to Paul....

Dear Paul.....

You have filled my heart with so much when we were in high school. You were everything my heart wished for.

Your deep caring voice..

Your touch that made me feel that I am everything you want..

Your eyes that captivated me each time they looked at me..

Paul...

Its been....18 years now. But all the emotions felt raw like it was yesterday.

Do you remember how you told me I looked like Rhinoa from Final Fantasy? How you cornered me somewhere secluded and whispered it in my ears and held my gaze? Do you know just you saying those words are enough for a girl like me to want nothing more than a boy like you?

I can still feel the softness of your hair as you laid in my lap and feel asleep at school. I sang for you and you opened your eyes to gaze at me while tears streamed down my eyes. How would I know I would fall for one of my friend's boyfriend?

Fall so hard and so fast that we had to hide it from everyone who knew about you two.

Remember I ran and hid from you after singing for you? I was scared, Paul. Scared that one day, all I have of you are memories because I knew that one day you'd be with someone else...not me. But you came after me. Thank you Paul... Thank you because you were honest with me.. You told me that no one knows what the future brings...what matters is here and now.

And as you held me in your arms... I knew what you said was true. Being in your arms made me feel like nothing matters. Even if we may not end up being together one day...you holding me is enough.

So many times we held each other close...close enough that I can hear your heart beat fast and smell the scent of you. I long for more than just that...to be able to hold your hands in public without worrying about what people would say. How I want to finally know what your lips felt and taste like.

But I know my limit and crossing the boundaries far more than I have is not one of them. What we are doing is something I never imagined doing a nad wish I hadn't done. But you...you make it seem like its perfectly fine and you made me feel like its okay because our attraction was far too much to control.

Do you know I write about you in my diaries, Paul? How you set my heart into a flutter when you are near. How I knew you love my friend so much but we can't seem to stay away from each other... How...each time I hear your name...it breaks me apart because I know..I know its impossible.

Feathers and wings... That's what we called each other. I can still remember that silly joke I told you that made us come up with our nicknames for each other. I loved how you made tiny little letters and hid them on my table and you signing it with FEATHERS.

Do you know I live for your letters? How we never need to say I LOVE YOU to each other because our letter already made it apparent.

Paul, do you know how much I longed for you even when you graduated? When I would wake up wondering if you thought of me too. You graduating veered me off track and the loneliness seeping in me was too hard to control. My grades were dropping... I was skipping school.. I was rebelling against my parents and lying what I did and where I was.

No one knew about us Paul... No one but the two of us and living alone in that memory crushed me so much...

I tasted my first alcohol.. I stole my first money (from my dad's wallet)... I... I became a real headache after you left.

Looking back now Paul.. It was stupid of me to have been a train wreck when you left me. But understanding my 13 to 15 year old self, it was too much to bear. To have loved someone so much and to be left alone remembering everything by herself.

What set me off more than you can imagine, Paul.. Was that you never looked back at me. You never contacted me and you never asked me how I was.

Isn't it ironic how the only news I had of you was from one of my close friends you also dated? She told me you had gotten a girl pregnant and....it broke my already fagile heart into even more tiny little pieces.

The cruelty of life....

And you never left me Paul...rather, your memory never let me forget.... It reminded me how much I still want you after all these years. Who knew I'd see you again in the train when I turned 19? But you never recognized me.... Or how pictures of you in facebook would suddenly appear from the people we once knew.

Paul, I want to say that I wish I can move on from your memory. That I have grown up and forgotten about you. But I haven't.

All those past relationships I have had where mere flings... Mere duplicates of the ones I had with you....

Would you be flattered if I told you all I can see is your face? Every guy I dated looked like you...but in the end, they were not you. Not one of them had the once-in-a-lifetime soul you had. Not one of them made me feel this broken and restless. But if I told it to you, you'd be scared because I am now a nobody... A part of your past you have long buried and forgotten.

Its silly....but being married now and having 3 kids... The emotions your name evokes still feels like its happening. Every memory and moment of you I would be happy to relieve if it meant being able to love like nothing mattered.

My husband...he's nothing like you Paul... Nothing in a way that you were. The intensity of how I loved you shines so bright that every love I have experienced glows far less in contrast to what I had for you.

Maybe I lack closure with you. But you never gave me the chance to have it.

Paul, I hope when our paths do cross someday, you'd recognize me like I recognize you. And we'd close our past so I can finally stop holding on to what might have been and step into what I am now.