To Know Nothing About Your Calling

I can't hear it, nor feel the sound waves that supposed to tingle my skin like having goosebumps when witnessing a kind deed. The more I search for the call the more noisy the sound becomes.

I can't grasp any of its thread. It keeps slipping away and away. The further I try to get hold, the faster it escapes out of my reach.

I can't see what it looks like. My vision, unsure and unclear, the vision, unclear and unsure. The more intent and closer I do to find it the blurrier it gets.

All I know is that the world is on axis yet, I am spinning in circles:

I can't hear my calling, reach my calling, and see my calling. Despite of the dreamer I have been, despite how persevere I became.

I constantly ask myself what does my future holds? When everything feels like... feels like nothing after all the dreams.

What's wrong? What's wrong with me?

I have been a dreamer who loves to not just dream but also loves to do if not all things— do what I am able to do. I loved to wonder... and so wondered what my future will be.

It was me who found ways to learn and study various things of my interest and made sure what aimed and aspired would result to improvements and knowledge.

I do not falter as long as I have a dream.

However despite everything I do, I still do not know my calling.

I know that growing up requires a different dream. A solid, concrete dream. I expected it already that that dreaming isn't just all about happy thoughts. I was ready of how hard could it be when fate conspires ways I am maybe prepared but could not do anything about.

I have always been a fighter.

I was ready to be a dreamer that will practice to dream and love dreams I would know sooner will complicate my decision-making.

I will find ways.

I was ready for my dreams that I dearly hold to become dreams I would need to give up.

I am ready.

Ready for my sacrificial dreams I could not do anything but to let go, choosing practicalities over those.

I have always been ready for my dreams that will become in vain because I am not privileged for it. Dreams in vain because it is too far and hard to reach despite of how eager I am to persevere.

I keep moving forward.

But,

What is this confusion?

Or is this a ready-made sadness?

Is this my dissatisfaction and disappointment?

I still have many ways to walk and could have endless possibilities.

I make my destination.

I want to be a dreamer who could find her calling, in that way I would be worthy to live.

But, why it is so hard for me to realize what my calling despite all the choices I have? Ironic how I dreamt different dreams but I still do not know what would I decide myself to become.

Maybe it takes time, I should not rush.

I wonder for the last time what does my future holds?

I will gladly be ready to go with the flow and will be ready to take the fall.

But, what if I have no future at all?

Renésmee Neverfound ㅤ

An aspirant writer and artist. To be found is my greatest dream and never be lost. Hi, I am @rene.neverfound, you can call me Rene or Esme if you like. I specialized in prose-poetry and poetry, and now I am trying new things and writing styles. I am a 17-year-old girl living life in the Philippines. I am a total bookworm, otaku, music enthusiast and a grade 12 student with an undying passion on everything I do. Thank you so much for reading!

Photo used from Pixabay.

ㅤ

ㅤㅤㅤ