Ordinary Journey Alone with My Loneliness

I approached the left side of the road in a controlled manner to enter the one-lane side road from the four-lane main road.

Too much attention in traffic sometimes brings risks, but having 360 degrees under my control has always made me feel safer.

While checking the left side mirror and rear view mirror at the same time, I noticed that a car about 50 meters away from me was tearing itself apart.

It was as if that car would have fallen apart in an instant if I had just stepped on the gas a little more.

As if he had bet his life with someone to enter the one-lane side road before me, the sound of the engine that was about to take its last breath was getting closer and closer, putting all traffic at risk.

I slowed down in case he had an emergency so that we wouldn't enter the side road one after the other.

As they passed by me, those 3 poor young people in that poor car seemed to be celebrating perhaps the only victory in their lives with roars

Turns out they were in no emergency at all.

Besides, we stopped at a red light 50 meters away, one after the other, 10 seconds later.

I was furious.

I got out of the car;

"You idiots got in front of me because I gave you permission."

I put my hand on the doorknob to say.

I gave up.

But I didn't stop swearing.

Oh my God!!!

What the hell !!!

I tried again

I tried again

It was nothing but the high-pitched sound that comes out of my mouth when you squeeze dolls.

In the rush of the moment, I completely forgot about those three rascals.

How long has my voice been hoarse?

When was the last time I spoke

I tried to remember

We haven't talked on the phone since this whatsapp came out.

People don't hear each other's voices anymore

People can't give their energy and enthusiasm anymore

The worst thing is that nobody cares

Even in letters written 40 years ago, we could feel this energy.

The letters had the scent of the writer

If he was rich, he would wear perfume.

But now;

We have shortened words.

Even not even words, but facial expressions, we could tell everything with the nonsense called emoji.

We thought we told it in the most shallow and emotionless way.

It was enough for us to say it.

Without adding any meaning.

Without any emotion.

We just said it.

We didn't care what the other party understood.

With the green light, I shook off my thoughts.

And I tried to remember the last time we spoke.

It's Monday morning.

I think the last time was Friday night.

I said "good evening" when I left work.

I live in pain!

I think of the days with you in all the pictures I look at.

It burns me that the dreams we thought would never be lost, the many efforts we put in, and the future we hoped for suddenly turned to ashes...

I just stared at your eyes when you left!

It was as if you were telling me not to go.

Should I have said don't go?

Without even thinking about the possibility of staying, I just kept silent.

The one who wants to go has made up his mind to go, he has held court in his heart.

What could I do?

What could I say?

It was useless!

There was no remedy for anything.

You didn't know!

You couldn't see that all your hard work was gone in an instant!

That I was lost in you every moment, that my whole life was reshaped with you!

I say it was not meant to be...

Sometimes I think to myself and I remember that moment in your eyes when you were leaving!

My regret burns my heart, the pain of being without you weighs heavily on me.

I try to get used to it, even though it hurts.

Here it is!

I try to endure, I try to live in pain despite all the negativity!

My dreams, my hope, my pen have run out!

Am I alive?

In the pain I can't explain, in the pain I can't describe, yes I am!

Without you and in silence, hoping that maybe one day you will come back...