It's not that she's particularly sad. In fact, she can say, with utmost confidence, that she's never been happier. But there's a gaping hole in the center of her heart, telling her that something's missing. It tells her that she's lonely.
Lonely.
What a very sad word. That fact alone makes this whole context ironic. It is what it is, though. She is lonely.
Sometimes, she wonders how it will feel to not be alone; how it will feel to have someone. Someone she can talk to freely at the end of everyday without worrying that she's wasting someone's precious time. Someone who will not mind her excited chatting and gushing and story-telling for hours on end. Granted, at the end of the day, she has family and friends that she can text and call and nag. With them, it gets fun sometimes. Talking to them will make her laugh for a good few minutes. If she's lucky, the laughter extends to a few hours later.
What makes it lonely are the moments of silence. She will find herself lying awake in the middle of the night, hoping for sleep to claim her as soon as possible. But thoughts run in her head and make her think and she will always wonder -- will she ever meet him?
That guy who she will like so much her heart hurts. That guy, that someone, who will drop almost everything to join her in her moments of silence?
Ah, her heart hurts thinking about this person sometimes. And that's taking it lightly, as she's never even met this person yet. She cannot even fathom how he looks like or how his voice sounds like. She sure hopes he looks nicer than her -- she thinks she looks like a severely degraded version of someone beautiful. She sure hope he sounds nice. There is something oddly comforting about a man with a really good talking voice. She hopes he doesn't mind her clinginess, or how she would want to hug him always and hold his hands.
She has so much love stored inside of her for her to give. It's just a matter of to whom she will give it to. Someone worthy, she hopes.
Sometimes, the thought hits her like a freight train in all its full speed, when she walks home and knows that the only thing waiting for her is a silent room and her almost always unmade bed. The thought hits her when she's on a public commute, and a sweet couple sits across from her. Or when she's in bed, and it's too silent that it drives her crazy. Or moments like this... when she feels irrationally lonely.
She wants to be embraced so warmly, simple hugs pale in comparison. She wants to look at him straight in the eyes and tell him that he is so, so beautiful. She wants to go places with him.
It's scary, she things. That which loneliness does to her. It makes her want to experience things she can't even begin to imagine. She feels hurt when there is absolutely nothing to be pained over. It makes her question her happiness and contentedness with who and what she has.
Regardless, if the red strings of fate really does connect her to someone, she prays that he is safe, healthy, and happy. She understands, and a part of her accepts, that she might not be able to meet him in this lifetime. Maybe The One is out there somewhere, happy and content and loved. And, well, un-lonely. She prays that he reaches his dreams and ticks off his goals in life. She prays that he understands he's important. He's wanted. He's a very important piece to an ever-changing puzzle.
If she ever crosses paths with him in a space full of people, that will be enough for her. She might not realize it's him, and it might not make the loneliness feel any less lighter, but that will mean they breathed the same air and maybe, just maybe, passed over each other with a glance.
For now, she will continue dreaming about him.
