I do simulations and conduct research on matters that my team at work deem important, but I am not exactly a scientist. There are times when I indulge myself in some system administration tasks, almost always drowning in absolute confusion over inexplicable jargon, but I am not exactly a computer engineer. I write codes, debug and run them, but I am also not exactly a programmer.
I may do many things, but my feet do not fit any pair of shoes as snugly as possible. There is some part of me that hopes they do, so I can answer succinctly and confidently whenever someone bothers to ask me what I exactly am. Poetically, I would say I am many things, but really, I am just... me.
It makes me cry in happiness when I get to publish a paper. There is a strong feeling of triumph when I manage to execute system administrative tasks flawlessly. It feels like I breathed in fresh air after suffocating for a long time whenever I fix a persistent bug on something I code. It is those little things that make me enjoy what I do.
I am lucky. Not everyone gets to pursue something they enjoy doing. I do. Granted, sometimes I cry and bemoan my unfounded regrets, but it still ends up becoming something I really love. But it is when one truly enjoys something that he begins to turn a blind eye over the negatives.
That there are many "I can" that "I shouldn't."
I can be silent when there is an obvious discrepancy in position hierarchy at work. I can respect crippling conditions that bind me and many of my colleagues. I can. But just because I can, doesn't mean that I always should.
Ah. What I'd do to be able to air my grievances in the most mic drop way. What I'd give to be able to get the respect I and many others deserve. Because, get this -
"Despite what you may have been told, respect should not have to be earned. It is owed to you as a human being, especially by those who have power over you in some way."
It is because I enjoy what I do that I turn a blind eye on the rampant disrespect that I receive. I would think, "It's OK. Maybe I am deserving of that because I am nowhere near the top." I would chalk the disrespect up to being... well... a slave to commercialism.
Earn. Earn. Earn. At the same time, enjoy what you do. I would be so blinded that I would probably be getting kicked on the shin - to my face - and I wouldn't even bat an eye. Were my earnings worth the mental and emotional pain? Not really. But I am reduced to having no choice, really.
When you're the breadwinner of the family and many mouths turn to you to be fed, you'd be nothing short of compliant to crippling options. And you'd tell yourself, "It's OK. It's OK." so many times, you'd end up believing it.
I wanted to tell them up there that I deserve better. But really, I am no more than a pawn to a powerful player. If I could, I would burn bridges. But I am a slave to commercialism. Survival and security are my priorities.
And until I felt like I'm safe and secure, I'll stay here.
Silent.
