I thought it wasn't for me. It turned out it is; I just had to wait.

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Written by
2 years ago
Topics: Freewrite

I felt like I just had to write this down. It has been weighing on my mind for quite a short while, and articulating it in words might just help lighten what load my brain seemed to always carry.

In my last entry, I said that for the first time, things didn't seem to go my way. I was so used to success that at the slightest sight of defeat, I crumbled. And when I thought I really wasn't having my way, I got offered a job so big, it was difficult to say no to. It offered 20 thousand pesos more than my current pay, and it held a lot of promise. Granted, it was a contract of service, but it was for three years, and I decided to worry about losing my job when I got there.

Then, just a few weeks after saying yes to that opportunity, another one came. It was seriously so surprising, I cried. Like I legit cried and didn't initially know what I would do. It was a regularization at work that just seemed so elusive, I found myself being so emotional sometimes over the past few years. The pay was damaging, though. But there were a lot of advantages to it that in the end, I decided to decline the contractual job and grab this chance to finally, finally have a place in the organization. Not just some limbo kind of employment, but a solid one that would allow me to take a hundred percent of its perks.

Everything was finally going well for me. I was processing my appointment, and everything was smoothly transitioning. And just a few short days before my actual assumption to my regular job in the same organization I had been working for in the last four years, I received a message in my personal email.

But wait... let me share some context to how my day went during that fateful day.

I had been extremely busy in the last few weeks preparing for an international event. It was a technical training to be attended by other professionals and leaders in their own respective nations. One of my old mentors got a hold of me and said, "Hey, I think you'd do well as a panelist. Please prepare some materials for presentation, and take the stage."

He added that it might be the time for me to shine; he knew how introverted I am, and how shy I could get when exposed to the public. But he had subjected me with something similar two years ago, and he thought it would be a solidifying stance to his belief that I could actually rise to the occasion when the situation called for it.

So I did.

Days before the training, I had been so busy I barely had enough time to sleep. To be honest, I felt like my body was starting to give up. There were times I was facing the computer and would feel the onset of fainting. I would fight this by drowning myself in coffee -- as if that would be of any actual help.

On top of these preparations, and the pressure of having to present in front of people I knew were way above me, was the fact that I was still processing my documents for regularization. My schedule was really hectic, and my sleeps had become very restless.

The day of my presentation came, and I was thankfully able to survive it. I literally talked the whole day, and I could have sworn that my throat went dry and sore. When the last words during the session were given, I was more than excited to finally leave the Zoom conference call.

"I can finally rest," I thought.

And oh, boy, was I wrong.

My body has just hit the bed when I decided to grab my phone and check the time. It was a few minutes past 5 in the evening, and sleeping would seriously damage my sleep cycle. But I was so tired and decided that I could maybe force an hour of rest and wake up just in time for dinner.

But what greeted me in my phone was an email notification. And when I read it, my stress levels went from slowly waning, to quickly rising up yet again.

The fateful email...

The email subject read - Notice of Appointment as <insert position here>. A standard email subject, I have now come to know after receiving one just a few weeks prior, for a message that will tell you that you have been accepted as a permanent employee for a government position.

And that position was a coupe of salary grades higher than the position I was transitioning to in my current organization. I was shocked. More than anything, I was troubled.

Because I knew I wanted this. This was the same position I had been eyeing for since December last year. In an organization that many young professionals as myself would be fighting to get a spot for.

And then I felt honored. There was no other way to go about how I was feeling that time.

And when it really sunk in, I was devastated. This meant that I would be leaving a job I loved (granted, I would be doing the same duties and responsibilities in the new organization), the people I'd grown to care for, and our goals for our team that we have envisioned together.

One of my friends told me that I had grown so attached and dedicated, and it was what was making things difficult for me. But it was just a few words of assurance from my bosses and colleagues that made me feel better.

That they understood.

That there was no reasons to believe anything was my fault - no one was at fault. I didn't waste the time and effort of everyone around me.

That opportunities really do come unannounced, and when they do, grab it, especially if that will contribute to your personal goals and interests.

And that, as Einstein has said, if we want to live a happy life, we should tie it to a goal. Not to people. Not to organizations. But to a goal.

And I'll take that.

Because I want this. Because I believe that I can do this. And they believe that I am deserving of this. And I want to believe that, too.

I thought it wasn't for me. It turned out it is; I just had to wait.

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Written by
2 years ago
Topics: Freewrite


More wins 🏆

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