you never should've let me lose

I realized I hadn't lost you on the day you said you want this over. I hadn't lost you on the day where your voice sounded so fixed and has crafted the words as if you made it a long time ago and you made up your mind. I hadn't lost you on the day I cried when I heard it for real and that you gave a smile that said it all, a painful and sympathetic smile. I hadn't lost you when you offered me your hand for a handshake as you matched it with your embroiled apologies. I hadn't lost you when I decided to simply compose myself with sagaciousness and just simply leave the table first and my crumpled part of heart I gave you that day. I hadn't lost you that day because I was having so many things in my mind that deviated me from convincing that I was living in this cruel reality.

And I saw myself right now, staring too hard on my pale ceiling realizing I'd got up on my bed with the same skin you traced too many memories and wounds. I am still the same body externalizing your presence in my every step.

I realized I lost you

when I woke up on Sundays and it's raining and all I had were an empty side of the bed. I lost you when drinking coffee began feeling like drinking vodka over pancakes. I lost you the day I was left with nothing but your telephone number scribbled on a piece of paper, dying at the top of the table. I lost you the day I realized I could no longer call you. I lost you the day I got good news and I was left with no one to talk about it. I was left with no one to share my achievements and afternoon dreams. I lost you the day my birthday passed with no birthday greetings from you anymore. I lost you on the seventeenth of every goddamned month. I lost you every time I look into the coal sky and got no one to trace lines with, calling constellations as our matching type test.

I lost you after I realized I was left alone.
I lost you after I realized this was how damaged I was after you left.
I lost you after I realized I could never share the same things with someone else.

I lost you.
I kept losing you

in every bump I pause,
in every flicker of light,
in every song I shuffled on,
in every memory I feed with sadness.

I lost you
and I lost myself with you.

I lost you
in that mid-September.
I lost you yesterday.
I lost you today.

I lost you in our next life

I
lost
us
forever.

- Mica Meñez // you never should've let me lose