Have you ever experience to compare? Painful or too painful? And the painful thing is that your own cousin is always being compared. It all started when we're in our highschool stage. She is also good in their classroom and he really has time when she come to their house to study .She is in the first section and I am in the second, where in her section, honor are taken. And there , she was being an honor student student that time, I think with honor🤔 and in our classroom I am just on top 10. When we came home, her mother was very happy I was not. My grandmother is not so happy for what I achieved and she said " if your cousin was able to pass, why didn't you pass your entrance exam before so that right now your now in the first section too". And when I heard that, my eyes seems to blue because of the tears that wanted to fall. Because of my emotion I was able to answer her. " I wasn't here at the time when I had to study for the entrance exam, I was with my mom to take care of my younger brother while I was on vacation with them. Instead of studying and taking my vacation with them at my younger age I learned to take care of 10 months old child while they we're working. "
After that moment I starting to get unsecured with my own self. Everytime I made mistake from school or from home I feel so small and pitty for myself. From there I begin to make my life happy in a wrong way. I go out with my friends at night in a short time and going home na may nakaabang na ratatat Ng bunganga Ng Lola ko. I feel so hurt and words are too painful. I am very tired. My life goes like that, eveeeerrryyyytttime, but I am already immune from it but still I'm hoping that someday they will appreciate my worth.
And when I entered college we go on the same University and the same dormitory and to make my story short I am happy with my achievement there on my first sem. I took Education course and she took Business Ad. We are in the same dormitory but In school were in different building . Everything is smooth and I am very happy in my studies. Until one day my cousin and her one friend go outside at 9 in the evening and there are two man trying to harass them and trying to get the laptop and the wallet but somebody help them. And after that incident it's a traumatic experience in her life, and her mom come over and she said to her mom that she wants to transfer in other Scholl. By the way our first school are far from home I think 3 hours travel because it's a UNIVERSITY a big University that's why we choose it. And the thing is my mother and grandmother said if my cousin need to transfer I should bgonalso. Isn't it amazing? I wanted to protest, they are not concern with my feeling If I get hurt or not. Knowing that I really loved staying there na and I get an excellent grade and now all my happiness and excitement in my school already fade away . I thought we don't have a choice I don't have a choice anymore . Again I am sick of it. If I did wrong everybody's eyes noticed me but if I did good or I got some achievement no one is watching. But in others all the support and honor are there. And after she transferred to the private school I choose to go to Institute to be far away from this toxic people. I lost the desire to study. The feeling that you are just going with the flow. And months later ,and I found out that she had been to almost every bar in the city including Gensan with her friend. Unlike in our first school we studied, we couldn't go out because bars are not allowed there because not everyone there is Christian.
She had a happy life while me?? I lost the excitement in going to school. I don't like. And when she go home every weekend she was like an angel who couldn't break a plate. What an angel. But still she is the Princess no one knows what she's doing . Unlike me I am always a lost girl. Am I tired? yes I am.
From there I always comparing myself to others. Am I not worthy? I am not enough? Did I do my best? Some people say " they compare you to others kid to show you that it's not impossible for you to be like them".
But I tell myself I am not like them after all, where not in the same situation from the very beginning. It's annoying because it implies you an interchangeable widget, and it implies that the way they want you to be is unquestionably what's best for you. I just want them to know that every person is different and they have to be dealt with accordingly.