I'm at a Loss
It has been a long couple of days—of deafening silence and taunting loud. Wherever I look, I still see you. I feel you. I hear. And so, I would try to close my eyes, then, I would return back. I remember. I remember my life. In the momentary still darkness, I see the remains of the thin sliver of shadow of the pile of problems that I forgot that I have. And without any signal, I crumble back again in the hollow comforts of my bed. To the ground. In a heartbeat.
I have been thinking about the many other things I could still write about. Things that would pull me away from your scorching and harsh red lights. But I just can not seem to steer away from your intimidating gaze that pulls my entirety, sucking in every thread and fiber of sanity I can ever devise in me.
I was never vocal about my political grounds. It is something I always try hard to do, not because I do not know my place, but, rather because of how dangerous my space can turn for me just because it does not mirror the ones that the people around me are standing on.
And so, I remained silent. I looked at their words and stared down at every crevice and curve. I memorized every metaphor and swallowed each disrespect. I let every rude remark slide because I know there can never be enough words to change a made up mind especially of those who are seated in front where the sun shines gloriously the most.
Now, after days and moments of praying and silently hoping for justice to prevail despite the crucial and the critical steps, and only to see the numbers falling down like the angels casted down and expelled from the gates, my heart grieves. I feel like something is slowly losing its life in me and I can not seem to do anything for it. I feel so anxious and sad and scared for what awaits ahead of us. I am so heartbroken for the ones who still choose to look the other way. I am broken for friends and family who expect me to still be at my best despite the fact that I might just lose all the hope I invested in a blink of an eye.
I am at a loss for words. For life. For motivation. I am still trying hard to grasp the reality and every possibility this loss may take me. I just hope that the others are right all along and I would thank them on bended knees. But for now, I hope people get to learn to let a broken heart grieve.
(Thanks for reading. xx)