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Little by little. Piece by piece. Like taking out parts of a puzzle finished for years only to build it again. This is the only type of control I am fluent at. The only kind that seems to sound closest to logical in my ears.
I have been thinking about the afterlife and those who have fallen. I thought of the cold waters and sharp silvers. The smothering grasp of the shadows after the war and the capsules. I pondered what would suit me best and my personality; and I realized it's to try hard to breathe in the midst of wanting not to.
I am going to crush my skull and all my other pieces into fine dust. I will wake up and wear my gummy smile on my sleeves until my cheek numbs, and I get to finally go back to the ground again. To where it all began.
Do you, by any chance, want to know why?
My ankles are chained to the roots of my family. The rusty binds are engraved with the debts I have earned for a decade and eight years until present for being a child having so much necessities. I am a parasite ought to strive and build dreams to give back what I had taken. This purpose is a lump in my throat. An eyelash stuck in my eye. But at the very least, no matter how, I have one reason to actually continue to flow with time. But having one is not going to be enough to suffice the flame inside me. Humans need to build actual goals to be able to keep up and push ourselves out of bed in the mornings.
Life is a tough crowd. And I will never get why other people make it harder. The gentle voices in school tell us that the hardships will hone us and turn us into diamonds from the rough. But I guess they forgot that diamond is not the only kind of stone there is. Some stones are softer than the others. Some gems are not tough as they seem to be. And others break easily under too much pressure.
You see, the funny thing is that all my life, I was taught how to get through expectations. But it amazes me how a heartbeat, a bat of an eye, and a little sigh can change someone's entirety. Everything seems like someone else's memory now. The person that I was yesterday seems like a whole new somebody. A stranger, to be precise. And my heart swells thinking about how I just lost a major part of me without even noticing. There was zero warning or red flag to keep me checked. All there was that came to me in sudden, was a surge of blue and grey heartache. It was the kind of ache you feel when you remember an old lover's perfume. The kind of longing that is similar to the one that crosses your chest everytime you turn around, and see the left side of your bed empty at midnight.
And there was no particular reason at all. The stimuli of how the dominos fell back was nowhere in sight. I could not say why or how I am in pain because there was nothing to point out. I remember one moment, I was feeling fine and then there was nothing. The blue and the void came to me like bored people coming in and out of a store. There was no clear cause why they came. They just did. But they sure made some rearranging. And I can say, they both took treats with them on their way out.
And I swear, it would have been, at the very least, a little better if I can tell why, so that I have something to first start with. Because perhaps having another person or thing at fault would lessen the weight hovering above me. Maybe.
Or perhaps if only I have a dream with me, a blueprint of plans I'll be taking in the future. Or a flame igniting my soul to go on. Maybe having them would keep me from turning the tables and from taking the wrong bus. Maybe they could have saved me from drowning and choking into my own food. I don't know.
All I know is that I'm a step close to falling off a cliff. And no one even noticed. I have told a couple faces but they remained unbothered after spitting some old advices that was supposed to lift my spirits off, but none did.
I don't know. Who would have known.
I have read about the spiteful nature of life in books, but I guess it's true that knowing will never be enough. Awareness can never save you from an actual fire. And neither will other people. Well, that's how it works in my case.
(This is a letter I wrote back when I was 18, a year ago, for myself. It was one of my toughest years and I have decided to put this out in the world to spread comfort that you are not alone in whatever fight you're facing. I have been into one and I have fortunately got past it and big chances are, you could, too. You matter. You are loved. Thanks for reading. xoxo)