My Depression is Making Me A Monster.

Tuesday. July 5, 2022.

I hate it. I hate myself when I am angry. I hate it when I get irritated. I hate it when my brain goes crazy. I hate it when I'm feeling down. I hate it when my depression attacks. I feel like a monster who can't control my anger. I'm also having a hard time. I don't want to be like this. But what am I supposed to do?

These past days my behavior seems to be getting worse. I can no longer understand why I am like this. Even when my mother was still alive, she always wanted me to see a doctor because of my behavior. I get angry so easily even for superficial reasons. To the point that even with my children I often get angry with them when I have a problem or am not in the mood. I often shouted at them and scolded them right away and even worse, I beat them up for even the simplest mistakes they made. So until now, my children are afraid of me. They were afraid to make a mistake because they knew I would get angry right away. I don't want to do it but I can't control myself.

Even with my husband, I get very angry when he does something I don't like. Even before in Manila, we also fight and he knows how I behave when I'm angry especially when it comes to his gambling thing. But he never scolds me or fights back when I'm angry, he just leaves and comes back when he knows my anger has subsided. But recently, a few days ago we had a huge fight. He came home very late, early in the morning from drinking with his co-workers and I feel like he doesn't care about what I feel. He knows that I don't want him coming home very late. I always wanted him to come home right after work. So when he got home I really lost my temper and shouted at him and I didn't care if I disturbed my neighbors around. My brain was blank with anger and for the first time I also saw him get mad at me like that, he scolded me back and threw his cellphone at the wall. Maybe he was also drunk so he can't control himself and he heaped his anger on me with his Cellphone (thank goodness he didn't throw it at me, lols). After that, I was also the more affected, because I was the one who felt the pain of our argument even more. I feel like he doesn't really care. I feel like I’m also a very bad wife because of what I did to him. I cried all night until the next day while he was at work. We haven't even talked for a few days so my mind goes even crazier. I even thought that I hope I would just disappear so that no one would nag at them anymore. After all, I already felt that I am a useless mother and wife to them because of my behavior.

I don't want to think that I have Depression but my Mom seems to be right I really need to see a doctor before it gets worse.

Depression

Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Also called a major depressive disorder or clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems. You may have trouble doing normal day-to-day activities, and sometimes you may feel as if life isn't worth living.

Symptoms

Although depression may occur only once during your life, people typically have multiple episodes. During these episodes, symptoms occur most of the day, nearly every day, and may include:

• Feelings of sadness, tearfulness, emptiness, or hopelessness

• Angry outbursts, irritability or frustration, even over small matters

• Loss of interest or pleasure in most or all normal activities, such as sex, hobbies, or sports

• Sleep disturbances, including insomnia or sleeping too much

• Tiredness and lack of energy, so even small tasks take extra effort

• Reduced appetite and weight loss or increased cravings for food and weight gain

• Anxiety, agitation, or restlessness

• Slowed thinking, speaking, or body movements

• Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures or self-blame

• Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions, and remembering things

• Frequent or recurrent thoughts of death, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts, or suicide

• Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches

Source: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/symptoms-causes/syc-20356007

Since I couldn't understand what was happening to me anymore, I tried to search again, and based on the symptoms I guess I really have depression. More on Psychological Symptoms. Maybe I've had it for a long time because I've always behaved like this since my first child. These symptoms are "Feelings of sadness, tearfulness, emptiness or hopelessness. Angry outbursts, irritability, or frustration, even over small matters. Loss of interest or pleasure in most or all normal activities. Sleep disturbances, including insomnia or sleeping too much. Tiredness and lack of energy. Anxiety, agitation, or restlessness. Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures or self-blame. Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions, and remembering things. Frequent or recurrent thoughts of death, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts, or suicide. Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches." All of these things are happening to me. I don’t want to do or feel all of this but I can’t really control it. I feel like a real monster in my behavior. Especially when I get angry over just simple things.

I made this Poem at that moment when I felt like a burden to my family. Hopefully I can get through this. I'm going to see a doctor too so I can find out why I'm really like this. I'm still thankful that somehow they understand me when my depression attacks me, but of course I don't want my children to stay away from me because of this depression or my husband and I will separate forever. I don't want this to be a the reason to have a broken family again.

Lead Image Source: https://whisper.sh/whisper/05281b9e33d4edcad91299fa7de9e367dbb390/I-feel-like-Im-not-myself-anymore