Does He Still Love Me?

Thursday. October 13, 2022

All women dream of nothing but finding a man who will love and take care of them no matter what problems they face in their relationship. A man who can fight or defend them in any way. A man who will not leave them no matter what happens or trials come their way. A woman must be very lucky when she finds a man like this. A man who is meant for her and is ready to love and take care of her for the rest of her life.

Have I found the man for me? Well, that's what I thought and my mind wanted to believe. My partner proved how much he loves me. He left his family in Manila and chose to come with me so that we could start a new life here in Baguio City. I also saw a big change in him since we came here because he became a more responsible father of the family.

But now he seems to be returning to his bad habit, well he doesn't gamble anymore but he always comes home late at night and is so drunk. We always fight about it but it's like he doesn't care, he'll still come home at whatever time he wants to go home. There was even a straight week when I just cried while waiting for him. Sometimes he comes home at 10 pm, 11 pm, or 12 am, but his reason is that even if he drinks, he is fulfilling his responsibility to us. Which is yes, he does his responsibility to us, but for me, it's not right that he always comes home late and always drunk. He knows that I hate him doing it. Plus I am too worried because he still needs to drive at home coz he always brings their service at home, accident happens everywhere so I'm worried that he's driving while he's drunk. So sometimes I can't also help but think about what's in there with his job and why he always has to drink there and stay very late.

Every time I fight with him and cried out of anger, he will just say "What's wrong if I drink there? I didn't do anything wrong! Can't you just think? That your cousin owns the shop! How am I going to do something stupid there?" What an excuse, he always uses my cousin who is the owner of the Refilling Station where he works. Yeah, he's not doing anything wrong because he works for my cousin, and next to them is the Glass Shop of one of my Uncles, but of course, I'm still her wife, right? I will still worry about him and why he hasn't come home yet. But he doesn't really care about my feelings. He also knows that I won't be able to sleep and eat until he comes home.

So that's why sometimes I can't help myself asking "Does he still love me?". Because if he still loves me, why does he let me feel bad all the time, to think that he knows that I often get attacked by my anxiety?

What was even more painful was what happened just this Sunday night when my High Acid Stomach attacked. It was 8 pm when my stomach pain first started, then it didn't go away even after I ate. He was also drunk at that time but he only drank here at my cousin's house. I let it go because only my cousins ​​were with him. They finished at 10 pm and he went straight to sleep but my stomach ache still hasn't gone away. It's already midnight and I'm crying because of the pain, I felt like I can't take the pain anymore. I tried to wake him up to warm me up with water so I can drink it thinking that it might help reduce the pain, but he just got angry, saying I was just acting. That's what he always says when I disturb his sleep when I feel something painful in my body. I already cried because of his behavior, I got hurt by what he just said. But then he woke up and warmed me with water, but he was angry and kept smashing things around our house. Then he went back to sleep after heating me with water. I drink and put the hot mug on my tummy hoping it'll be gone but nothing happened. Around 1 am, I really couldn't take the pain anymore, so I woke him up again and begged him to take me to the hospital. Sadly he got even angrier and keep cursing me. It hurts me so much that moment as if it doesn't matter to him if something happens to me. I just thought maybe he was really drunk and I just disturbed his sleep, but I really can't do it anymore. I was crying out of anger already and I told him to just give me a taxi fare and I would go to the hospital alone. He just got angrier and cursed me more, and he constantly threw some of our things everywhere. I was really writhing in pain, I was begging him so hard already so maybe he was forced to bring me to the hospital. He changed his clothes and shouted at me "Tara na!" (Let's go!).

While walking where he park their service I was still crying because he didn't even support or help me while walking, to think that we were on the mountain and had to walk up high to where the car was parked. I felt so unimportant at that time, I felt so unloved. I felt bad and felt sorry for myself. Imagine him walking first while I was writhing in pain while following him. I kept thinking "I'm going to die with this person" because he didn't care about me at that moment, he thought I was just acting. He didn't know that it was really painful and the pain almost went up to my chest.

When we arrived at the hospital, I was taken care of immediately in the Emergency Room. The Doctor made him buy my medicines (Maalox and Omeprazole) to reduce my stomach pain. After an hour that I had taken the medicine, the pain still did not decrease, so he was ordered again to buy medicine to inject into me. After 30 minutes of the medicine being injected into me, the pain subsided. So the doctor said that it was confirmed I had a High Acid Stomach, coz the medicine they injected into me will only be effective if I already had wounds in my intestines, and if not caught and treated immediately, it could turn into an Ulcer. So I'm not acting as my husband said, I really can't take the pain anymore. But even though the doctor said that the wound in my intestine might be severe because of my acid, he still doesn't seem to care, instead, he is still angry because he said his salary has been used up because my medicines are expensive, so I shouldn't find him a budget for our daily needs anymore. It was painful to hear his words, but thank God because even though it was against my partner's heart to rush me to the hospital, he still took me there. I can't imagine what would happen to me if I just endured the pain at home. The doctor told me to take my medicines in 14 days. So until now, I'm still taking my medicines, the only problem is that my Maalox has almost run out and it's too expensive for me coz it's worth 800php or $13. So I probably won't be able to buy it anymore because our budget is running out too and for sure he might get angry if I force him to provide it.

I've been crying for two days because of the way he treated me, I didn't even talk to him because of my heartache. I just took all the pain that I feel to myself because I have no way to vent my pain here because I don't want my family to know what he did coz they will surely get angry with the way he treated me if they found out. I was able to release my heartache just now, maybe because I can't handle the pain anymore and I have to release it even through this Article.

By the way, he talked to me the other day too maybe because he noticed that I wasn't talking to him. I did tell him how I feel, but his only answer was "That's just the way I am, but I still took you to the hospital even if I got mad." Oh yeah! That's just the way he is, but for me, the way he treated me was very painful, thinking what if I'm in a worse condition? Will he just let me die in front of him because he doesn't care? I don't know what else I can feel for him, I love him and he says he loves me but his actions now are far from the love he says. I thought I had changed him when I took him away from his place in Manila, but now I don't really know if there has really been a change. I don't even know how long I will feel bad for him. Yes he is a good father and a good provider but as a lover or husband I don't know but it seems like something has changed in him.

Image Source: Google, edited via Canva App.