This is just mindless word vomit where I talk about things that do not really warrant a lot of talking.
Sometimes I feel like there is no reason for my own existence to occupy any significant space or time. It feels futile and useless. I am not a big fan of living in this world mostly because I feel dissatisfied with what I have and there is some immediate longing for the things that remain far away from my reach.
These things being less about material wealth but lean more towards a state of being.
Honestly, I just want to live a life where I do not have to wake up every morning already feeling exhausted when I’ve only done as much as open one eyeball because I NEED to go to work and subject myself to 8+ hours of drudgery, otherwise I will starve and die. It’s this forced monotony and the exploitative nature of our current world order that just sucks the life out of me.
“Oh, you silly cog of capitalism!”, a scoff escapes your mouth as you look down on me under a sneer that reeks of privilege.
“Look for a different job, then! Or better yet, stop working if it brings you that much inconvenience!”
Uh-huh, Karen. Not everyone here has the financial safety net of well-to-do parents like your pampered ass has and in case you haven’t noticed, not everyone can afford to do that given our varying degrees of unfortunate circumstances here on earth!
I would like to believe that working for a living is not my fault because the systems in place simply require us all to be slaves to our jobs unless, of course, you can afford not to.
Welcome to late stage capitalism, baby!
Prior to continuing this draft (which was left untouched for several months since I last updated anything on this blog), I’ve left three or two word markers that serve as general points for the flow this post should have followed but time really does things to you. It changes who you are and skews your perception of the world. What I may have perceived to be my reality during the 6 or 7 months or so since I first started this draft may not be the same reality I live in the present.
Several months ago, burdened with a consciousness filled with dreariness and plagued with haplessness, the haphazard conclusion I’ve arrived at is that there is no hope left for my future and everything I do is futile. Pair that with the sense of self-deprecation that perpetually clings unto me like a stubborn stain, it made me blame everything on myself, my lack of effort and the bad stroke of luck that brought me to this earth. Y’know, just the usual.
Instead of allowing myself to be trapped inside a perpetual maze of confusion and self-loathing inside my mind, I decided to READ. And by read, I mean read Marxist texts and acquaint myself with Marxist theory. Well, that was quite a bad decision to make because instead of coming out as more well-read individual with an understanding of theory, I am now plagued with a lot more frustrations than ever before and my already diminutive feelings of positivity have been greatly diminished. Thanks a lot Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels! I was back to square one. Dejected, hopeless and full of spite but now backed up with a scientific analysis of the material world courtesy of dialectical materialism. I have also grown a lot more hateful towards a lot of things and have ceased to find novelty and enjoyment in several others. Wow, what a time to be alive!
I just wanted to slide that whole paragraph in about being a communist because my entire world view has been greatly skewed towards a Marxist viewpoint for several months now. I will probably not delve too much into it in this post because I am, admittedly, not well-versed and will probably fumble up in more ways than one.
I’d really like to just clarify things, though. Communism is not terrorism or any of the atrocious-“isms” that capitalist society wants you to believe it is. So much of how supposedly bad and inherently evil communism is, is propagandized through imperialist brainwashing, lies, misinformation, etc. It’s ridiculous how every time capitalism fails, it’s most ardent supporters instantly lay the blame on…commmunists? As if any of their logical leaps make sense.
A good primer for everyone else unfamiliar with communism is this neat exercise where you look around you and revel in the stark inequality or just be perpetually distraught about your current situation and start asking why all of these things are happening. It doesn’t just end there, comrades! Once you have accepted that things currently suck, try reading about recent history, as a treat. A quick flip through your history books lets you know who the actual perpetrator of unimaginable humanitarian crimes are. I mean c’mon, who’s dropping bombs left and right, destabilizing governments, waging wars, installing dictators, etc? cough us of a cough
I am veering WAAAY off-course here, folks! But you get the point.
I would still say that I currently am nothing but a mere emotionless void, but now I’ve got an upgrade. Moving through the motions in the 21st century as an emotionless void AND a communist! Hah!
(If for some odd chance, declaring yourself as a communist online will get you arrested what with the current political climate in our Lupang Sinilangan, then so be it! I’m not an emotionless void for nothing! If being an emotionless void is now synonymous to having zero self-preservation, that is)
With all of that out of the way, let’s get back on track.
Initially, I started writing this with some kind of fake-deep tone in mind wherein I haplessly blame my present emotional constipation to my inability to make good decisions in life or just the tendency of my neural synapses to instantly conjure up some very bleak imagery out of my current reality with no happy ending in sight (which, to be fair, is somewhat true to an extent). However, I have decided that this is all wrong and I should not wallow in self-pity.
I deserve better than pervasive negativity. I should love and wholeheartedly accept my woefully imperfect, somewhat annoying, oftentimes insufferable self more. Who else is gonna have my back but myself? (This is the part where you will start clapping your hands in awe and stand up from your couch with hearts full of inspiration because you’re just so impressed and deeply moved by my very motivational words)
This reads more like a shitpost now instead of something more poignant, or some fancy thing like that.
The main point of this post was to enunciate how very hopeless and dull my current life trajectory was but that has somehow changed over the course of a few months. I am still forced to put up with the drudgery of being an unfortunate cog to late stage capitalism. There’s no escaping that, yet.
At least, right now, I have pinpointed the exact reason why my life is the way it is.
No, it’s not because I was not born with a golden spoon, or I do not have copious amounts of material wealth, or because I am unfortunately a passport holder from a “third-world” country. It was never the pursuit of being “rich” in the first place. I felt very dissatisfied and unappreciative of life because a large bulk of my time was (and still is) spent on making other people rich. I do not have control over where my time should be spent. If you argue that I should just get better with time management then you’ve missed the point. Why am I forced to manage what’s little left of my day in the first place when more than half of my waking hours is spent on making a living? I know everything you’ve read so far just sounds whiny but when you realize that things really shouldn’t be this way, you end up like me.
It was never about my insatiable desire to become something more than what I am or the varying degrees of feeling inept, it was this overarching system of exploitation wherein the value of a human being is measured solely on its potential to be exploited by the bourgeoisie. It is the material conditions of which we are subjected to for most of our lives that we all have to live with all the while knowing that this ridiculous system of exploitation is only forced to us by a few people but instead of fighting against it, we have been lulled into a sense of complacency and disillusionment. It’s time to wake up from this nightmare, folks!
I’m not a big fan of telling people what they should do or what they shouldn’t do because we all have different perspectives in life and just because I think that doing so and so is better compared to doing a different so and so, it doesn’t mean that everyone else will agree with me. I do, however, suggest to widen your perspective of the world a bit. There is so much to see and learn about. Let’s not be confined within the current societal norms and try to be more receptive of pervasively vilified idealogies that run completely opposite to the current world order. It’s never too late to start reading Marx.
This is actually just a very roundabout way of promoting Marxist theory. Let’s just say I’m in a new fandom now.
Anyhoo, I’ve run out of words to go around in circles with and I have no idea how to end this. I’ll simply put this on a screeching halt with none of my initial ideas actually making it to the cut and adding more confusion as to what this whole thing is supposed to be.