This will be the first time that i will tell this part of life the moment I met the father of my child up to this day. Nobody knows our story, even my parents only have the little glimpse of our story.
So bare with me on this!!
If this ever got lot of comments will surely tell my story being a parent!
2015
When i reached 24 that year i thought to myself I want to have a child at this age so that I can bond with the kid as he/she grows up. I became desperate that I thought that I could hook with one of my friends since they're very open minded. But they don't want because as they say they respect me and they don't want to stain the friendship by some foolish decisions of hook ups. It drawn to me that "yeah I messed up, glad I have good friends" ha ha ha ha...
My contract ended on my past employer mid July and became unemployed until September. I went to my Big Sister's Condo to drop my resumes on their company and other companies as well...while waiting and being a bystander at my sister's cage due to boredom I chatted on messenger a lot and came in contact with my past flings(because I don't want relationships that time even now!).
He asks how am I doing etc. etc. and then he wants to meet. And with the bored figure I am I agreed and we meet and talked and talked and go part ways after.
From that day then we keep in contact with each until I got a call from one of the company I submit my resume, giving me schedule for an exam and interview after. Luckily I passed the exam and interview that same day(by the way the questions are really hard as in my brain got wrecked!). And I confidently told my past fling(that became my friend) that I passed and he congratulated me and said we should celebrate and I agreed.
September 7,2015
My first day at work, excited and then later exhausted. Office works sometimes really sucks and I feel sleepy sitting and encoding reports. But still get some sneak chats with my boy (ha ha ha ha ha)..
We go on dates like everyday, we go shop at some ukay-ukay or stores selling vintage guitars,we ate at every stall we passed and it's fun, until one night I told him about my desperation on having a child and confessing about my friends who ignored my desperation which I understand at all,really. Than he suggest a real hook-up since I don't want couple relationship which I gladly accepts.
After some nights we we're together my phone was snatched and I can't contact him which suits me well because I don't want affection after some hook ups. But he went to the condo and buy me a new phone and try buying things for me which started to annoy me. I really don't like clingy people after some hot nights with them. For weeks I keep giving tantrums at him as in almost everyday that he will just watch me from afar without me knowing just to not make me more pissed off him.
Then I found out I was pregnant mid October. It made me happy but I don't want him to know. Yes I am selfish and I know if he find out he will cling to me even more and I don't want that. So I keep to myself until it became more obvious on the 5th month. I ended my contract with my employer for the reason that I am pregnant and went home. But he followed me and my parents gladly accepts him and it annoys me even more, I don't want to see the sight of him everyday (ha ha ha ha ha ha).
Days and months pass he always watch me from afar to make me at ease.
July 8,2016
I gave birth to a healthy boy. The first boy after my Papz in the family that means he is special.(My father is the only man in the family ,we were all girls including my 2 nieces). Being focused and giving all my attention to my child, he came and ask if he can held the child and I let him for he is the father of my child.
I went home 3 days after I gave birth and he went with me. I talked to him that I only want the a child not a husband and I don't want me and the baby to be a burden and responsibility for him for I can find a job if I can go back to my physically well body. He contradicts me and want me to stay at home while he works.
At the age of 20 and still studying, yet he doesn't want me to work. I can't let that and ruin his future so I said to him that why don't he go home and think of it a million times and come back if he is really gonna make that big decision. He doesn't want to but I forced him to be. I scare him that I will just sleep outside if he is still in my house. He has no other choice but to go home for my sake.(Yeah I'm a SAVAGE Bi+cH)
Days after he went home I texted him non stop not to come back at my house because I don't want him.I want him to study and graduate and then come back to me if he can feed us well and not be a hindrance.
I block his number and went on with my life. My friends whom are his friends too came to visit and ask why did I do that to him. I simply shrugs and told them it's for his own sake and future and I can feed the child well on my own, which earns me a big spank from my mom(hu hu huh He likes the father of my son for me but I don't like him)..
Months after I feel good and capable of finding a job I heard that he quit school and became a bystander(what the efff!!!I let him go to make him a better man)..So I contacted him again and asked why'd he quit studies. The nerve of him saying he's bored at school and just want to play mobile games at home. So I said okay if you can find a job then you can come see your son. The jerk just told me that I don't mind and I don't want to work yet so feed the child alone for the meantime.
I mean yeah I guess it's my fault for him to be like that but that's exaggerating.So I replied "Fine! I can always feed my son because I can easily find a decent and good paying job, I don't need you so don't show your face in my son ever."(nasty old dumb)
Two months before my son's 1st birthday I found a job in the city near my home. I felt lucky because my Supervisor is the branch head of the community I am serving(Yeah I am a full time servant of God) and he is good to me and look out on me like his real child. Everything went smooth until my son's 1st birthday. I have many sponsors(My son had 17 godparents ha ha ha ha) so I only made the invitations and the rest is all from them.
At the party many gossip neighbors came and ask where the father is and I just answered he is at home. They want to ask more but I just made a very serious rough expression that made their mouth shut. (I am known in my village as one fine serious cold woman who never laugh unless it's my family and my son).
One of the Ninang told me that the father of my son contacted her asking if he can come to his son's birthday. I told her I didn't barricade the road so he is free to come and barge unless he is afraid for being a jackass. Neither of the two he didn't show his butt at the event and it doesn't matter to me.
After that day I found out that he came and watched us from a far(like he always do) He put the cake and the gift in the car near the house careful not to be caught and sabotage one of my friends to come pick the gift and the cake and put it in the gift stand together with the other gifts and the cake in the corner of the fruits stand. I didn't know because I was busy tending my son and my guests to notice his gifts. I pity him and also disappointed. How afraid he was to not have the courage to face his son??
Years passed and my son is now 4 years old.
With the pandemic and with what's happening in the world me and my son is well feed and doing well. I am still currently employed in the same job as an admin assistant, a busy working mom trying to reach both ends being a full time employee and a mother. It gives me an aching body and stressful mind at work tending to many reports and meetings and some emergency visits at project sites....from the work alone I already drained my energy but when I went home I get really energized seeing my son waiting for me and give me a crab hug(that's what he calls it). I somehow thought if I ever let him supply us what would actually happen. But I kiss them away in air because as I said we are doing just fine without him.
Around May,still in lock down, he message me and ask for forgiveness all of a sudden. He told me he already have another family and his son is just a year younger than my son(what a jerk). He told me everything in the chat and I just read it all. After the confession he ask if I can forgive him. I didn't answer in an instant.
In fact I talked to God and ask Him for guidance and signs on what to do. I prayed and prayed for days and sometimes I ended up crying while holding the Bible. I often ask myself if is it my fault that we've come in this situation. That I can't guarantee my child to have his father back. That it is my fault for pushing him away that made him look for other. Than after my whining and crying I told God I will do what is right and for the sake of my son.
I replied to him a week after, said that
" what's done had been done, we can't go back to the past and we both have mistakes and wrong decisions that made us what we are today. Don't ask for forgiveness because I'm the one who sent you away. You can still see your son but not right now in this pandemic. You can see each other when it will become normal. Just let me have my time to explain it little by little because he is still a child and I don't want this to burden him all along."
We settled for that and then he introduced me to his new family. I am happy for him and pity my son because I made him become a fatherless child.
Am I a bad mother?
feel free to comment
Well explained