Even in the most harmonious partnership, there are disagreements, they are normal, and when they appear, each side should understand - above all by listening to him carefully - why the other thinks or wants differently.
The test for a partnership is not a situation in which he and she agree on something, but it is a situation in which they do not agree. That is why the way partners try to resolve their conflicts is one of the main factors that determine the quality of a relationship or marriage.
Conflicts in the sense that one person wants one thing and the other person wants another, are an integral part of every relationship, even the relationship of two people who love each other. It is impossible that she and he always, from moment to moment, want the same thing. Although there are couples in which there is seemingly no conflict because one side always accepts what the other side wants, it is an illusion: the side that accepts everything actually suppresses its own desires in order to avoid a quarrel in the relationship. This strategy contributes to peace in the relationship, but it is not good in the long run because the person who submits is chronically separated from his desires, and that means alienated from himself.
For a relationship or marriage to work in the long run, both partners must accept the fact that in many situations they will think differently and want differently. The next thing they have to accept is the fact that these differences are normal and have nothing to do with the relationship of love that exists between them. When disagreements arise within a harmonious relationship or marriage, the partners try to understand why the other person thinks or wants differently. And in order to understand that, they have to listen to the other and then hear what he is telling them. In the process, they can help him with sub-questions to better explain what he is basing his opinion on.
Only when they understand why the partner thinks what he thinks, when you understand his logic, do they understand the partner. They may then agree or disagree with his thinking. If they do not agree with him, then they can "attack" the logic on which he bases his opinion or desires with arguments.
Disagreement is not rejection
Some authors call this type of partner listening, which leads to an understanding of his logic on which he bases his different opinions or desires, "deep listening". When partners approach each other in this way, then they both have the impression that others hear them and understand them, even when they do not agree with them. In other words, such relations are much better and closer, and thus more stable and long-lasting.
What prevents one person from not listening and not hearing, and therefore from understanding the other person in a love affair? There are several misconceptions that hinder "deep listening" in a relationship or marriage.
In the first place are people who do not tolerate different opinions from the person they love. They believe that both must always think the same. Therefore, when a difference appears, they "won't even hear", so they interrupt the floor, start shouting and the like. They often mistakenly think that if a partner thinks differently, he is telling them that he is smarter and that they are stupid. That is why they are sometimes offended when there is a difference of opinion.
There are those who do not distinguish between understanding and agreement. This means that if they understand, then they automatically agreed with the partner, that is, they accepted his opinion. This is very wrong because understanding only means knowing why the partner is thinking in a certain way, which by no means means that they will agree with his way of thinking. They do not know the rule that the better they understand their partner, the better they will get to know him.
There are also those who do not distinguish themselves from their thinking about something. The consequence is that, when the partner disagrees with them about the matter, when he rejects some of their arguments, they mistakenly think that the partner has rejected them as persons. And they experience that as the cessation of love, so that they either withdraw from the relationship and ignore their partner for days, or by insulting, trying to "equalize" in rejection.
Do not avoid "unpleasant" conversation
What you also need to know is that different opinions or desires, especially when it comes to a topic that is very important to a person, cause him discomfort. This inconvenience often motivates the person to stop the unpleasant conversation and to avoid it later. This is a wrong course of action because this inconvenience should be faced and endured until the partner explains his position.
There are more and more marriages where divorce occurs not because of violence or alcohol, but because one partner feels alienated, misunderstood, which does not feel close to the other for a long time. And "deep listening" can prevent all that.
