Am Worth It

The past two years of my life has been so far my darkest, and I hope it is my lowest. I don't think I will be able to get past through it if my life will get darker than how it is now. I have never felt so downhearted before, if I may have experienced it before I think those are just inevitable and unintentionally . But what I felt the past two years were probably the worst out of all the feelings I had before.

Life really is surprising. Everyday we meet people we don't know, fell in love, trust, and all of a sudden get angry, disappointed, discouraged, etc.

How can one person erased all the trust you have built towards people?

If there are stories about getting cheated on by their partners, getting used for money only, to me, I had it all, all in one relationship only.

I've been such a positive person. I was raised in an environment that taught me that people can be trusted and can be given a chance. That is why I am not very judging when someone with a kid on their previous relationship wants to date me, as long as they are nice to me, someone with good character, with a stable job. I don't care what they have right now, what is important is what they want in the future. If I see that we are not going in the same direction I let them go.

Three years ago I met a man whom I thought I was going to marry. I've never felt so sure in getting married in my life. We dated, he introduced me to his brother, and to his cousin. Months went by and am getting stressed with the kind of relationship I was having with him. Am receiving calls from a random woman saying they are together and they have a kid already. I am fine dating a man with a kid already as long as he isn't married or not anymore in a relationship with any of his previous ones. Aside from this woman, some people are also calling me asking his whereabouts telling me he owe them a lot of money. To my dismay, one day my bank called me regarding an unfunded check. I was so surprised to hear the news since I know my account balance is enough to pay for my house' monthly mortgage loan amortization. I didn't know he stole my checkbook and used it to pay for whoever and whatever money he owed. Good thing those checkbooks weren't pre-signed so I immediately closed my checking account and changed the payment method for my house. I am already getting an idea that this man is a fraud, but I still rode on his lies about our relationship because I want to recover whatever I can for the amount he used in my credit cards also.

Am already getting anxiety. I left my job and went back to my place in the province. When I left him he told me he's gonna come and will try to settle there with me. Well, I wasn't hoping anymore to continue our relationship. Every time somebody did something bad to me, I never gave them a chance, because if I will, they will never learn.

I thought I can recover there. But I've gotten worse. I want to sleep though I can't sleep well. I always want to sleep hoping I won't wake up again. And whenever I wakes up, I am always crying, I am disappointed to know I still get to live another day. Oh! the pain of knowing you don't know why you are in pain. If that makes sense. I've been having suicidal thoughts, but all I could do is stay in my room. I don't get any appetite to eat. Am not happy eating, but whenever I go down the dining area, I still shove some food into my mouth even a little so they can see me still fine and eating. It went by for more than a year. I've gotten thin. I know something is wrong with me so I tried to consult a psychologist to understand why. I know why, but still why?

I was only able to talk to a doctor online because of the pandemic. When she told me I am sick, I got sadder. Though I know I got an idea because I was never this way before, I still felt sad. Maybe because I think I will never be the same again.

Since my family doesn't know what I am going through, though they know what happened to me in my previous relationship, they don't know what I was feeling after, they kept on introducing me to whoever is single, I just go and stay for several dates with them. Still I tried to get to know them. The more that I've gotten disappointed, the more my standards in men grew. Because I always tell myself, am worth it. Not because I've felt and am in my lowest right now I will settle for just somebody. Am worth it, so I won't settle just for the sake of settling down, I hope I won't.