Professor,
I am in a complicated relationship with a girl. We've been on and off for over 3 years and we've been through quite a lot. I've cheated on her, and hers on me but we somehow still end up together through all these years. Every time I feel like I should let go, she comes around and as if my heart is on a leash I end up falling for her over again. Am I in a toxic relationship? How can I get on with my life? I wish you could enlighten me.
Thank you,
Cris
Hi Cris,
The heart wants what it wants right? Well yeah it does, but when what it wants costs you more than you can afford is it still worthy to pursue?
First off, we have to describe what a toxic relationship is. according to Dr. Lilian Glass the author of Toxic People, “any relationship [between people who] don’t support each other, where there’s conflict and one seeks to undermine the other, where there’s competition, where there’s disrespect and a lack of cohesiveness.”. For me, a relationship is toxic when there is nothing more you gain from it aside from negativities and sufferings, be it physical or emotional. When the happiness is gone, when there are more bickerings than laughter, when there are more tears than smiles and when there are more heartaches than warmth, you are most probably in a toxic affair.
There are visible signs of a toxic relationship. Abuse, any form of abuse is a classic sign of toxicity in a romantic relations. And there are others as well :
Dishonesty
Excessive Jealousy
Abnormal financial behaviors
Utter disrespect
Controlling behaviors
Lack of Trust
and there are other negative patterns as well
Unfortunately, your case is not that rare in today's dating world. Now you are asking what you can do to get on with your life? Well, the first thing you have to do is to decide. The moment you realize that you are in a toxic relationship, you are standing at a forked road : Do you walk away? or Do you face it head on? Walking away might be the best solution to this situation, but then again I believe that every relationship deserves to be worked on.
If you feel physically threatened or you experience physical abuse, you may want to get the authorities involved. And yes, I mean it, because there are more unreported domestic violence cases against males nowadays. Even though it is hard to fathom, when a woman reports cases like this, it's their right, but when a man reports these, it's the lost of their pride. It should not be that way at all. If you are being abused, regardless of your sex, you should not feel afraid reporting it. That's the first step in stopping it.
If the abuse is mental, you might want to seek the help of a registered professional. Likewise, if you are both onboard in making efforts in making your relationship healthy again, you may want to consider enrolling into couples' therapy.
But then again, after all else fails, it might be best to accept that you are not just destined to be together and walk away, and don't look back. Most of the times, putting yourself first is not that selfish. After all, you cannot love another human being without loving yourself first.
So Cris, I hope that I somehow imparted you some light. Thank you for reaching out and speaking from the heart.
May your heart find its path to where it belongs.
Professor
