The 'It's-Lust-Only' affair. About sex, most of the most common are. It can feel really intense, but it is also the fastest thing to do. At work, John and Kim met and felt a profound physical attraction. John was separated; he married Kim. They could not defend against the pull. It was inevitable. As well as a lot of other locations, we ended up in bed! It was great, "John said, with a big grin." However, the liberating and convincing meaning of this kind of affair can obscure the hidden emotional conflict.
"The Affair of" I'll-Show-You. Rachel began to realize the depth of her anger and bitterness toward her husband after years of an unhappy marriage. She felt unconfirmed, ignored, and overlooked by him for a long time. His adamant refusal to go to counseling for couples forced her to act on her anger. Rachel told me that by being so subordinate to her marriage, her previous therapy helped her comprehend her complicity. But she wasn't able to come up with a proposal,
Nor was she able to figure out how to resolve her need for reverence.
The Affair of "Just-In-The-Head." If the "lovers" don't have sex with them, would you call it an affair? Think of Linda and Paul. They got together, working on a volunteer project together. Paul was married, and Linda was divorced, but she had a partner to live with. They realized that they had a lot in common, a shared view of life and also spiritual compatibility. They enjoyed interacting with each other and were looking forward to spending time together. On the phone, they talked sometimes, sticking around after working on the project. Soon, they realized that they had developed a very intimate and emotionally close bond. It felt like a bond rather than a bond.
The Affair of "Not-Really-An-Affair." Humans are specialists at developing illusions for ourselves. In this case, one party is present, but the other is not. The available partner assumes that, with adequate time and patience, the other will desert his or her spouse. Jane, a divorced woman for several years, began to see a married man. She vehemently told me, "It's not an affair! It's a relationship!" but it takes two people who are equally eager and committed. I've seen a lot of women over the years (although they're usually women caught in this trap) who assume their lovers would leave their wives behind. This is never going to happen ninety percent of the time. Finally, Jane learned that her lover didn't want to leave. In reality, during his marriage, he had a great deal of business.
Learning from relationships
You would think you would be able to separate your affair from the rest of your life. Or maybe you would not give much consideration to its effects. Both are defects. If you are considering an affair or are in the midst of one, I suggest you consider the following:
Mentally, some things are safe. An affair can help trick you out of a toxic or deadened relationship beyond the point of renewal. The optimistic feelings of acceptance and renewed vitality generated by an affair will cause the confidence to leave a marriage when doing so is the healthiest choice for both yourself and your partner. I've seen men and women alike become physically healthier after an affair.
There's always a justification for beginning an affair, and it relates to certain issues in your current relationship. Facing that and tackling it first is a lot simpler. You're not either "catching" having an affair with yourself or "catching up" with someone in bed. It is your decision, but it can be wonderfully rationalized. So take a look at what your relationship is missing or unfulfilled, why it is, and whether you can do something about it or even want to do it. Trying to renew the relationship or to end it with mutual respect is preferable.
