This present day world, it's miles confusing. Women dressing up as guys, striding round workplace homes willy-nilly, their brazen crotchal forks shrouded best in a skinny layer of cotton-poly blend? (Personally, I locate it comforting to consider lady pants as "twin leg-cages"—a great deal extra modest.) But what is next—puppies on their hind legs carrying pith helmets and taking all of the first-rate gentleman explorer jobs!? Must we rename the South Pole "Admiral Crackers's Milkbone Oasis?" True, Admiral Crackers is an intrepid fellow (additionally he has very gentle ears), however in recent times it is such as you cannot even disguise in a toilet stall and whisper via the partition to urinating girls that they have "tempting ankles" anymore with out getting hauled off to a reeducation gulag/webinar through the mind police! Honestly. Honestly.
Fortunately, some voices of purpose prevail. Over at Slate yesterday, the "Gentleman Scholar" tackled one of the maximum befuddling scourges of present day inter-gender discourse: the male/lady handshake. As all of us know, guys are whole fucking idiots who roll round moaning like flipped-over turtles the second one a girl speaks to them in an egalitarian, nonsexual context; and girls are inscrutable foreigners with bird-bones who communicate best in ciphers and infiltrate male areas such as "jobs" with a view to ship every body to prison for announcing hello to them wrong.
-
Recently, I almost decreased a girl to tears whilst she lightly proffered her hand to me at a piece convention and I vigorously squeezed it and yanked her round just like the Incredible Hulk shaking arms with Raggedy Ann. There become a great deal metacarpal cracking and muted whimpering. Having (I thought) found out my lesson, later on the equal occasion whilst some other girls prolonged her hand, I very lightly held hers after which released. There had been no accidents this time, however she glared at me as though I had simply exceeded her a useless fish. How does a gentleman shake arms with a female? Am I alleged to shake it, caress it, kiss it, simply preserve it for a moment? What gives?
Yours,
Finishing School Dropout
GREAT QUESTION, SIR. The Gentleman Scholar has some pretty desirable recommendation for the way to cope with such mystifying female-interactions, such as "a gentleman continually treats a girl lightly," and "whilst you’re shaking arms with some other able-bodied grownup male, you may in all likelihood need to be extra assertive than that." But as a bonafide female in ownership of arms, I suppose I can enlighten you even extra. Here is a foolproof, little by little manual for the way to make your man/girl hand-touching ritual a success each time.
-When a girl tactics you in greeting, make eye contact. Just like you'll with a man.
Extend your hand. Just like you'll with a man.
Place your palm in opposition to her palm. Just like you'll with a man.
Grip her hand with an inexpensive quantity of pressure. Just like you'll with a man.
Use the muscle tissues on your forearm to transport your grasped arms up and down in a "shaking" motion. Just like you'll with a man.
Do now no longer violently Hulk-shake her round like a ragdoll, you fucking maniac. Just do it normal. Like you'll with a man.
If her bones crack and he or she starts offevolved whimpering (!?), expect you probably did some thing wrong (BECAUSE YOU DID), make an apology profusely, and provide to name 911. Just like you'll with a man.
Do now no longer kiss her hand. This is a goddamn enterprise. What the fuck is inaccurate with you, seriously? Would you kiss a man's hand for the duration of a enterprise meeting? Just do it like you'll with a man!
After a 2nd or two, start enjoyable your grip. Just like you'll with a man.
Release her hand. Just like you'll with a man.
Get on together along with your enterprise. Just like you'll with a man.