In line with Grief

For the last 10 years, my life has been filled with death. One by one, my closest friends left her body. 2010, my neighbor died. I was close to him because we were together often and helped raise me.

At that time, I didn't know Zen or any other mental practice. I see it as plausible, even though there is a sense of loss that makes the chest tight. He was old and sick, then died. Nature is at work.

2014 has been one of the most important years of my life. Without getting sick, my best friend died, of a sudden heart attack. Previously, he was very healthy and active. Within seconds, he just left his body.

Great suffering befell me. I don't understand what happened. Common sense stuck. That's where I entered the Zen gates, until recently.

2016, I had to experience a breakup. It seems true, breaking up was as painful as losing a family member. A similar pattern occurred several times in the relationships I was trying to work out. Now, I am back alone.

Between 2016 and 2020, I had to leave two jobs that I love. This too feels very difficult. All absurd. However, with the development of my mindset and inner cultivation, I can go through everything with relief.

2020, my adoptive parents got very sick and passed away. To be honest, I've prepared for this. However, when that happened, the grief and anguish were so intense. This decade concludes with the death of one of the most important people in my life.

Common sense I understand. What is born must go. Everything change. Death is as natural as the wind blowing, and birds chirping, so my writing in the middle of this year.

However, understanding common sense does not always create a sense of peace in the heart. Restless and regretful kept coming to visit. There is a sense of emptiness felt. Mental cultivation still has to be endured.

Moods often take a sharp turn. Sadness visits more often. Relief filled the sidelines. They come and go with a faster rhythm.

When my adoptive parents died, it was as if this part of me had gone with him. Something dissolves in his departure. Flowers are no longer as fragrant as before. The sun is no longer as bright as it should be.

In sorrow, I kept remembering the ancient wisdom. The death of the parents is a blessing. It is in line with natural law. So, we should be grateful.

After all, no one died. Human life is energy. Energy never disappears. It just changes shape.

I also remembered my Zen practice. Always come back to the present. Use your five senses and breath to become aware of the moment. If the mind wanders, we only need to return to the present. The practice continues, without stopping.

Grief is not the enemy. They are part of life. It's just that, they are visiting more often nowadays. I welcome them. When it's time, I let them go. Now wasn't the time.

The laughter of friends and family also helps. The two beloved nieces filled the day with their laughter and tears. Greetings from friends also strengthen. Hours of conversation on the phone brighten up my dim days.

In the end, all of us must learn to live up to suffering. No need to hate and throw him out. He's not leaving. If expelled by force, it would sting even more.

I also feel lucky, I have experienced so many deaths at this young age. Trust me, if you haven't, you will experience it. Learn to live up to grief. Make him a brother who needs to be greeted.

Only then, amidst the burning sorrow, peace in the heart can still be felt. That's what keeps me sane and can still make this writing. Peace amid suffering is true freedom. Then we can still love, even though the world is not as beautiful as it should be.