Philophobia: Fear of Love

People with philophobia are afraid of loving, hurting, and suffering, so they think it is better to avoid love altogether.

If you've watched Disney's Frozen, you'll remember Queen Elsa. A special young woman who can turn everything to ice. When she feels anger, sadness, fear, or anxiety, she often loses control. One day, after accidentally injuring her sister, Elsa chooses to walk away and lock herself in her room. She severs all ties with the outside world. Also, she chooses to stop feeling and puts her feelings aside. She is actually afraid to love, she.

You might think that this seems like a strange behavior and that such people don't really exist. However, they actually exist. Also, they're pretty common. The condition experienced by people who refuse to fall in love so as not to suffer is called Philophobia.

The need for emotions in our life

As a human being, you have to feel. You have to suffer, love, hurt, be happy, and even experience loss. Not only are these events in which it is impossible to protect yourself, they also form part of your experiential learning. In fact, they reveal who you are today. You can't take shelter in an ice castle to keep away those who love you like Queen Elsa.

If you do, your own distance and caution will eventually hurt you. However, for people who simply choose to 'stop the feeling' this is not so easy to realize. So, what is the basis of the state of philophobia? Experts say the causes can be varied. Let's take a look at some of them.

Sometimes the root of the need not to feel stems from childhood traumas related to the family environment. It is during these early stages that you establish the usual – and expected – bonds of security, care, and love with your parents. However, in some cases, they are never installed. Or they are hurt and broken by a painful event. There is no worse trauma than childhood experience. In fact, in most cases they determine both your emotionality and your emotional relationships of tomorrow.

Past relationships are also often extremely important to many people. Being betrayed or deceived and experiencing a traumatic break leave their mark on your personality. For example, you may stop trusting people and feel that it is better not to have another relationship again so as not to suffer.

One more thing to consider is that relationship professionals today claim that people have the non-committal type of relationships, in which there is no commitment or dependency. They are relationships in which individuality and independence are preferred so that the partners do not lose their sense of control. In fact, they want to maintain their independence. This can perhaps be seen as another version of philophobia.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy

There is a psychological method that can be extremely helpful in such situations. Let's return for a moment to Queen Elsa, hidden in her ice castle. The more She wanted to control her emotions, the more she hurt her sister and her own country. In fact, she dragged them into eternal winter, she. Emotional regulation and control is something that should be considered as a problem, not a solution. Indeed, controlling emotions does not solve anything. It exacerbates the problem and increases your fear of pain and being hurt again.

You must learn to accept what is happening and integrate your experiences. Losses, failures and betrayals must be accepted and integrated as part of personal learning. You shouldn't be captive to them. Because it just allows you to relive those experiences every day.

You have to make a deal with yourself: the need to accept, overcome, integrate and look to the future, opening new doors and new opportunities. Relax and live with peace of mind, get excited about new projects, new friendships and new relationships, it will undoubtedly be better than before because you are smarter. Because you know what love means.

Accepting and facing the facts

In 2015, Viñas Poch and his research team conducted a study with a population of adolescents that shed light on the effects of isolation. According to the authors, “feeling guilty or responsible in the face of problems and difficulties and isolating yourself from others, preventing them from knowing their concerns promotes personal discomfort.” Indeed, the authors discovered that isolation only increases feelings of discomfort.

On the other hand, the Viñas Poch team found that “maintaining an optimistic and positive vision in the face of difficulties […] in adolescents, exercising […] and personal involvement, work and diligence promote greater personal well-being“. Looking at the results of this research, the best thing you can do is face the facts and work on what is causing you to isolate yourself. If you do this, your happiness and well-being will increase.

This study was conducted with adolescents, but could be adapted to anyone. It proves that to live with a callous heart is to refuse to live. People are made up of emotions. Therefore, to deny, hide and control them is against the essence of being human.