Do I choose to be a Spoonie? (Part 1)

Being a Spoonie equal to having Chronic Illness (real).

My real question is, 'Do I choose to have a Chronic Illness?'

The answer is, NO, NEVER.

Honestly, being a spoonie is never be my choice. But guess what?

Life choosing me.

Is it a curse or a blessing? Well, It depends on how we think and accept our life realities- for real. But as for me, I have no other choice other than learning to love my imperfections, especially my Chronic Illness.

Here the story begins.

At the age of 18, I experienced the kind of 'tired of everything' moments. I blame everything, especially God - I know, God have mercy on me.

I was asking God,

"Why DID YOU LET ME LIVE?"

"Why ME out of my families? Cousins? or anyone else!" I said in frustrations.

Everything is a big WHY.

Till I'm out of energy to questions everything, I surrender to God with all my brokenness. If only I can illustrate how my situation during that time, here's the illustration;

As you can see in this picture, I was same as that girl. In weak conditions, lifting my brokenness, scars and said to God,

"Only this what's left. I surrender it to You, I'm tired of everything".

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Wow- it's sound like an imagination story right? But this is my reality of life.

Let's flashback.

I was born with a weight, 2.4-kilogram. A happy baby - I guess, lol since I'm the last child after seven years gaps with my older sister. My parents were hoping that I'm different.

Zapp! Everything's changed.

"She's diagnosed with Beta Thalassaemia Major" That's what Doctor said.

I'm just six months when I was diagnosed, and I started my first blood transfusion at the age of 2 years old. Since then, I never experienced being normal physically. I always feel tired. My haemoglobin level always below 6 out of 13 if I don't do a blood transfusion.

Sometimes I daydream, how would I be if I don't have this chronic sickness? Am I as today? Some crazy thought, am I good looking like other women? Lol. But, right now, even I have this illness, I still beautiful just the way I am. Hehe! I'm joking.

I fight every second of my breath.

My parents also fight for my life survival to make sure I received the right treatment and grow normally as a healthy normal person. They give the best medicine, investing money to make sure I get the medication as I needed.

When I flashback again, this unconditional love makes me wanna cry and feeling loved. They do their responsibility as parents, and I'm proud of them for being strong to handle me and my sister.

They do everything for us. My parents want us to have a healthy life and risks everything just only for us to be healthy, but, everything ends ups with frustration and hopelessness. They gave up and learned to surrender everything to God about our health condition.

I guess they have a BIG WHY too why all of this stuff happened.

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"Thalassemia Major life span only up to 10 years old to 12 years old, after then only live by miracles". This statement shocked and broke my parents into pieces.

I never understand it during my childhood. I just curious everything about what happens to me. Why I should go to the hospital, do a medical check-up and do every month blood transfusion - till now.

Only after 12 years old, I understand what actually happens to me. I start questioning everything but never answered. They dismiss all my questions. It's okay. I learn to get used to it. Time to time, I enter my teenage phase; I became rebellious for almost everything. I never get the answers, and I become a spoiled child but still respecting people. Haha.

During this period, I start to hate everything. I numb all the feelings which make me so cold and fear of everything. I fear of relationship—fear of rejections. I learn to get used to it, and I thought isolating myself, being alone and being social selective is normal. It is actually abnormal after I learned Abnormal Psychology and Psychopathology. --- will continue.

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I will continue my part 2 very soon.

Guess what?

I write this story not to get your attention, etc. I never intend for you to pity on me since life chooses me for this kind of life situations, and I need to be strong to face these conditions. As I promised to Him, I will worthy His name by revealing my life's journey as a survivor of chronic illness if I manage to finish my Master's Degree in Counseling on TIME. Yes, I DID it with His strength and blessing. Until now, I still can't believe I finished it to 101%. It was MIRACLES. God is so good, and thank you so much!

Thank you for your time,

Littleflowers.