I can't be me

For the 25 years of my life, I just recently felt the love I thought I wouldn't have experience. The love that my brain says "Maybe this is just your fancy imagination". The feeling is very too good to be true coz I know somehow that love also breaks you.

Imagine me a girl that has no boyfriend since birth, with low self esteem and an introvert suddenly be in a relationship? Thats a big step I took. I always imagine myself with a man who is madly inlove with me. I imagine it before I sleep or sometimes when I am bored. Just the meer happiness I felt in that imagination makes my heart at ease. That maybe one day, this scenarios in my mind will all come true.

I don't usually hang around boys because I am to shy to approach them. I know them too well that they have high standard. A standard that I did not even reach. With my low confidence since puberty came, I only got 2 friends that is a male. One is the boyfriend of my bestfriend and the other one is my neighbor that is also my classmate. The other boys in my life is a meer acquaintances only.

When it comes to relationship with an opposite sex, I have zero (0) knowledge or experience about it. Though I have read some romantic novels all my life, but I wouldn't know the feelings in real life. I learned heartaches, moving on and giving chances when I was too absorb by the character of what I am reading.

All this time, I am too used to be alone and be happy. Until I got into relationship with my crush. Amazing right ? They say that there is only a little chance that your crush will see you as YOU. A possibility of his woman.

Everything starts to feel very new to me. Like he is always around me, talking to me and we even eat outside. The usual routine I had when I was single becomes bright and colorful. This moment with him is what I have imagine back then. This is so very overwhelming.

We dated and dated and dated. My world is him. I love him deeply and it hurt me so hard that his family did not accept me. I never felt their acceptance. Maybe because his EX is way cooler than me. Prettier than me. Smarter than me. She is better than me.

And now I've been eating by my low self esteem again. Although he might see me laughing at him. Be around him happily and smiling. Behind my mask is a girl who wants to be accepted.

Will there ever be a time that they will welcome me? My mind is very clouded. I don't like entertaining bad thoughts but my brain is uncontrollable. I can't be me. I am bleeding inside.