Recognize patterns of behavior that work against you
We need training to regulate ourselves. By not letting our own wounds get the best of us and responding to the needs of ourselves and others instead of going on autopilot, we can replace the behavior patterns we have learned throughout our lives with new ones.
Whenever my boss raises his voice or shows signs of impatience or frustration, I feel the tension in my body, my neck stiffens and my stomach rumbles. I immediately try to please him or her. I am activated by these experiences and go on autopilot without a second thought.
Months ago, in a one-on-one session with one of my clients, she described this painful experience. As she told me her story, her hands were moving with great energy and I could see her excitement in her body language. She could not help expressing her emotions with great power and movement.
As I listened to her story, I connected with her with my heart. I made sure that I was offering her more of my presence, more than my analytical mind. In fact, I was integrating body and mind because I know what it feels like to share a painful story with someone who lacks empathy. After all, our own pain comes alive through the pain of others. Not seeing this empathy makes us feel alone and exacerbates the memories stored in our brain, nervous system and body. It can even reinforce the belief that no one cares, no one listens, because we are not worth it, we don't deserve it.
We don't need to be an expert in psychology or an experienced CIA profiler to read other people's emotions, but often we offer indifference or raising walls as a solution because we have low self-awareness. It is actually quite easy to recognize if someone is sad, frustrated, angry or worried.
It all starts with self-awareness because when we can recognize our subconscious patterns that at some point in life helped us navigate difficult or uncomfortable situations but no longer serve us, we can make choices that will nurture and move us forward. A self-aware individual can break emotional and behavioral patterns that are not currently helping them.
My client learned to breathe, to connect with her body, to feel her emotions, to respond intentionally. With practice, she has learned to detach from the survival response and observe herself and others, she has decided not to please anyone. Now, she chooses to ask questions like:
"Is there any way I can help you?
I see that something is bothering you.
Your tone of voice and body language indicate that you need to get my report as soon as possible, can I get back to you in 15 minutes?"
The first step is to decide to practice because repetition is how we reprogram the subconscious mind. It takes practice and time to rewire our brain and nervous system to respond, rather than fall into limiting patterns. I have seen in myself and others that when we commit to a daily practice and begin to identify what moves us and how we respond, we learn to choose.
Our behavior in society is learned behavior. Restrictive behaviors such as not being able to express your feelings and thoughts or being too reactive, caring too much about what others think, not being able to say no, not being able to express anger in a positive way, not being able to take initiative, etc., are often patterns of behavior that we carry with us from our family or from the reactions we have been shown during our development. These behavioral patterns prevent us from living the dreams we have always wanted in our lives.