A Portal To My Unfiltered Thoughts

Do you ever thought of ending your life even when you're happy. Even you have friends and a loving family? I did. My mind suddenly creates a negative vibe in a positive situation. Like what if I'm just dreaming or the people in front of me aren't real. Or they're just being kind with me and backstab me when I'm not with them. That kind of thoughts really sucked.

It started when I lost my mom at a very young age, that's the worst day of my life. And since then, I started thinking I might follow her soon. It never stopped, the thoughts that are bothering me. I tried to move on since it was 11 years ago. I tried so hard to always keep myself busy over a decade just not think of her. Not trying to miss her. There was never a night that I didn't think of her. And I hate to admit myself I already forgot her voice, the way she takes care of me and the smile she make everytime I make her proud.

I hate myself that I successfully moved on from what happened. I hate myself because I don't miss her anymore. I want to follow her because I want to remember her. And the only thing I remembered she said was,

"Adversities and agonies may come, but ending your life is never the solution or the real escape."

And so, I obeyed. I don't want to break the only connection we have together. My mind becomes over sensitive since then.

What if I died? Will they still talk about me? Will I see them in my own funeral? Will they miss me? Will they say they loved me and mean it? Then why didn't I felt it? Or I am the one who's the problem.

I never asked God, why? But I always asked for strength. I'm always making myself believe He has real plans, the best one. Better than mine. I always believe everything in life happens, good or bad has reasons. I apply every life lessons I learned. I always pray.

What's my purpose? Why do I exist? What's my mission here? I don't know. I'm still trying to find out. But if you ever find yourself in my situation? Never give up.

And...

I was thinking again as I'm writing this article,

Why do some people (even in the family) won't even cross a street to come and support you when you are still alive, but will come miles to bury you?

But never overthink it. It's just my unfiltered thoughts. Just so fed up I want to share at least a glimpse of what's on my mind. I just don't want to totally go insane. Please bear with me. And if you're a deep thinker. You'll unconciously see what my thoughts are made of.

Recently, I just turned 22, yet one of the best day of the year. The only day I feel loved. Everyone will greet you even you don't really know each other, just by the name. And the next morning, they're gone like they never knew you. I feel like I'm alone again. I feel like that one day is just a rest for another year of bullshit. It's the only time they won't judge you for anything you wanna do. The only day of freedom.

They say it is faster to sleep when you're thinking about the past than when you think about the future. It does for me and even if I'm so dizzy being overslept. I just want to sleep again and again which is my main escape from being a captive. It's been years since I'm battling a demon inside my head, I'm barely lucky to still cope up with him. Telling me I'm not worth it, telling me I shouldn't have existed. That everyone involved with me just made their lives worse. And I believed him. So I'm not myself ever since they came. I'm not myself a decade ago.

I wish I could get away. I'm comfortable alone, I was alone since. It's more than enough if I can take a step back from reality. Reality sucks, everything sucks. My thoughts wandering the abyss sucks. I want that little space. I want a little bit of my own space. But I guess it's not happening now. So I'll stay in my own realm for now, it's better than reality anyway.

"It's very dark in here while the glitters of the night sky and twinkling fireflies is the only light, cold breeze of summer and an agonizing athmosphere. Where this place is not affected by space, time and matter. Where future and pasts came across to meet."

"I wish you could join me."

If only you understand I'm a captive of my own demon here. I wish you could save me.