I'm Not A Perfectionist Mom, But...

When I was younger, I promised myself to be a good parent. Promised to give what my child needs especially in school because during my grade school I have never experienced having a set of encyclopedia that my classmates have. Yes, the library has those stuff but seemed like they were just made for display.

We have a library back then, full of books but the librarian is too strict that you wouldn't dare to touch anything inside. I guess nobody even dared to set foot in it.

Computers.. only those who have well off parents can have them. They can research, they can read properly, get the most information while me.. Only rely on the information I get in textbooks and newspaper clippings.

I remembered my mom refusing the agents that sell learning books and encyclopedias because they are too expensive and she thought we'd only lost it or destroy it. I didn't utter a single complaint even if I wanted it so bad. Because I really love to read.

Now that I am a parent, I tried to fulfill this simple desire of mine for my child. One day, my son came home confused with his homework. He wasn't able to take pictures of the samples because he doesn't have a phone. I was mad at the teacher for being inconsiderate. Not all of her pupils can afford to buy a smartphone. Besides we don't allow our children to have some. But I was pissed off and the next day, bought the cheapest phone I could find.

My child has been a good performer in school since kindergarten. I don't expect him to get a place in the ranking but he did it. For 7 years, he was consistent being part of the honor roll. I was so proud and felt that I made the right decision to provide him that phone where he gets so much information. And I know my son is a very smart kid.

I invested for books and learning materials just to alter his attention. I did not restrict him with phone and computer because I know it'll be so much useful for his studies just as I thought when I was his age.

Too bad the use of gadget was overwhelming and I was not aware that he had learned unnecessary things from the web even if his screen time is always limited he still got the chance to focus on other things.

What made me so sad is that he got dropped from the honor roll. I know I shouldn't feel this way but seeing those proud moms on the stage made me feel so guilty. Guilty of not paying attention to what my kid has been doing in his phone 😭😭😭.

It's just sad. I already told him it's okay but there's a part of me that says "I wanted to be on that stage, too".

If only he studied hard and focused on his class, he'd get more than what he got before because I believed in his ability. Or did I expect too much from him??

I kept on telling him it's okay not to be one of the honor pupils as long as he gets good grades but I guess he just settled for less. He did not work hard on it because he thought it's just okay.

I'm not sad because he did not get a place. I'm sad because if he only study more, if only he was competitive enough maybe he'd still be there on stage. I don't care about the award. I only wanted the best for him. And I believe that he can do better than this. I believe in his good abilities and intellectual capabilities.. sayang yun hindi sya nagfocus 😢