Never let the opinion of others become your reality.

    Sometimes I would like to say so many things, to be able to speak, to be able to shout, to express myself freely without fear of what people will say. Since I was little, I got used to not saying what I think or feel, because of reactions that people might take, I would try to express myself about some topic and I would not get the answer I wanted, only that I was being exaggerated and things were not like that as I thought, they sought to change everything, my way of thinking, feeling guilty most of the time, thanks to that, I am a very insecure person.

    My mother, throughout my adolescence, yelled at me if I mentioned any discomfort, she saw everything as a drama, not to mention when she saw me cry, she took it as a mockery, she never saw it as a priority. She hurt me so much that I feel I can no longer express myself freely with anyone, nowadays I prefer to keep quiet about things, feel a pain in my chest or have a lump in my throat all week, it's not easy, I can't stand living in this martyrdom, I don't know how to get out of it.

    With my stepfather it was similar, I live in fear of really telling him what I am going through since I don't know how he will take it, if for good, or for bad, he is a person who misinterprets everything, he can see it defensively, I don't know how to act, I don't know what to say, I prefer to write, sometimes it is not the best way to express myself, not at all.

    Between my 15 and 16 years I wrote absolutely everything that bothered me, if I wanted to tell them something I communicated it by WhatsApp or even with a letter, I left everything in writing, I never got to face them. My mom started to see it as a joke, she did not believe in my words, she did not tolerate seeing that everything was in writing and I never addressed her personally, she knew that my greatest fear was generated by her. My stepfather, as the years went by, also began to believe that it was a lie, he even called me: "Compulsive liar" he thought that the psychologist was not having any effect, you can't imagine how sad it is to live in a place where you feel that your word is worth absolutely nothing.

    With my friendships, the same thing happened to me, I have a friend who has a strong temperament, telling her things is a null case, or at least I think so, her way of reacting is offensive, so I resort to the usual method, to walk away, to leave all the problem aside, never say what I feel, that silence is worth more than a thousand words. Writing has helped me to free a lot, but sometimes I also need to speak, I need my voice to matter to others, the people around me, it is not fair to feel trapped in a glass of water.

    Now, it is something that still affects me, a fear that haunts me, even passing years, I feel that if I really say what I think I can generate controversy, I do not know how to start, I do not want to bother or make someone feel bad. I have to improve, I have to do it, I can't live like this all my life, also my feelings are worth, my opinion is worth, it is not always listening, it is good to be listened to. I have surrounded myself with exceptional people who like to listen to me, they make me feel so nice, to be able to talk and say everything I feel is satisfying, it frees me.

    I know that all this will get better, sooner or later it will, I should not be afraid of anyone, much less people so close to me, my insecurities can not inhibit me to achieve everything I want to propose, I just have to keep working on it, continue at my pace, my process, my time.