Mentally Exhausted

Do you know what the worst type of sadness is? It is when you are unable to explain why. I was exhausted emotionally, physically, and mentally for reasons I don't even understand. It's just today that I'm feeling it, and it's killing me. I'm not sure what I did wrong to deserve and experience this much anguish. I am not a bad person; I always help those around me who need it and I am capable of doing so. I am not claiming to be holy or to be without sin, and I am aware that I am causing harm to others. But I know I am not a bad person yet why is this circumstance that I am in continuously haunting me?

I know I'm healed from the events in my life that lead to this one. I know I'm happier and stronger now, but why am I here again? I feel isolated and as though no one understands what I'm going through. Last year, at 12:01 a.m. on my birthday, I was in despair. I'm having a mental breakdown and am away from my family. I am alone. All I know is that I'm sad because I'm not with them, but now that I'm with them, I'm wondering why I'm still in that phase. I'm not unhappy because of my family; I'm sad for no reason. Or am I deceiving even myself? Can you tell me why I'm feeling this way?

I recall being delighted a while ago, but when the lights went out, I began to cry and wondered why. Let me tell you a story from my past that comes back to haunt me every now and then. My uncle and cousin sexually abused me twice. It's the reason I don't believe in Blood is thicker than water, as I discussed in my article. I was in grade 5 when my uncle harassed me several times, but I didn't tell my parents or siblings. My cousin also molested me in grade 9 at my grandparents' house. It would have been more if I hadn't woken myself up those nightmares. I am emotionally and mentally traumatized from that time until now, as I recall the the worst days of my life. Those devils had no idea that what they did was causing their victims to suffer for the rest of their lives.

I'm sick of fighting my trauma and fear. I'd want to be free for a change, but I can't. I still feel like I'm in anguish and there's no way out. Nobody understands me because I do not even understand myself. I'm always claiming that I have insomnia, which is why I can't sleep at night, but they have no idea that I'm frightened of sleeping at night since my history with those demons haunts me. I never feel safe and secure sleeping at night because of my trauma; I can't even trust my brothers or the people in our house. You know the feeling: you're really sleepy, your eyelids are slowly closing, but you're hesitant to sleep, so you're trying everything you can to wake yourself up.

I really apologize for causing hostility on this site. I know this site is for positive and learning, but I just want to convey how I feel through my darkest times. I just want to be heard once since I don't know how to deal with this circumstance. This is the only time I'll write something like this, so just skip it.

Thank you for staying around and reading. Could you provide me some motivating quotes? I'm tired of browsing for phrases that will get me motivated again.