As a people-pleasing introvert, saying no to certain things still gives me a little bit of rebellion.
This is probably because I was a total yes girl in the past years.
Before I fully accepted my more introverted nature (i.e. I needed a lot of free time and space and was quickly overwhelmed with too much planning), I was always overcommitting myself.
And before I (mostly) took control of my ways of pleasing people, my fear of disappointing people was intense. So without thinking, I would automatically say yes to business projects, social invitations, favors, and any requests.
Mark burnout and anger.
I am now much more selective about what I say yes to. And to make sure I don't revert to old bad habits, I found 7 questions to ask myself before I say yes to anything to make sure I'm doing it for the right reasons.
1. DOES THIS FIT MY VALUES?
Before answering this question, you should identify your most important values. For example, some of mine are freedom, simplicity, connectedness, convenience, and health/health. Anything that goes against my highest values is an automatic no.
If you're having trouble figuring out what your values are, you need to reevaluate your test. You can always edit/add as you progress.
2. WHAT IS MY BOTTOM SAYING?
Each of us has an intuitive voice that constantly communicates with us and tries to point us in the right direction. The problem is that most of us ignore or ignore our instinctive feelings in the name of logic and practicality.
However, your intuition is MUCH smarter than your mind because it picks up on all sorts of subtle clues that you may not even be consciously aware of. So when you have a strong instinct that something is right (or very, very wrong), do yourself a favor and listen.
If you're confused about how to start listening to your intuition, start by paying more attention to your body and how it responds to people, environments, and invitations. There's a reason why they call intuitive kicks "instinctive feelings" - because many people experience an actual physical sensation (a "knowing" or feeling of attraction/repulsion) in their gut.
So when you think about saying yes to something, look at your intuition – is the prospect of doing that thing light, airy and exciting… or is it like a heavy brick in your stomach? Your gut will never mislead you!
3. WHAT DO I MEAN BY SAYING YES (OR NO) TO THIS?
Intentions tend to come from one of two places: fact or fear-based.
A true intention is one based on positivity and originality. Once a year, I like to spend a weekend volunteering to help a new group of students going through my graduating coaching training program. My intention for this is real: to connect with a roomful of new coaches and refresh my own coaching skills along the way. I always look forward to those weekends.
A fear-based intent feels very different. More like, “I started a new project at work because I didn't want to look lazy” or “I said yes to an out-of-town baby shower because I would feel guilty if I said no” or “I don't have the energy for this event but my FOMO is strong.” Instead of pursuing a good outcome, he tries to avoid a bad outcome.
Bottom line: Before you say yes to anything, make sure your intentions are good, not fear-based.
4. WHAT IS THE OPPORTUNITY HERE?
An event, a project, a new job, etc. When you think about saying yes, it's easy to get bogged down with all the logistics and effort required to make it happen. Overwhelm or fear of change can be enough to close a potentially great option early.
Therefore, it helps you change your perspective to look for opportunities. Will this event give you the opportunity to connect with like-minded people? Will this project allow you to learn something new? Will this new business open you up to further growth potential?
Seeking opportunity in the situation can help you connect to a deeper reason why you want to say yes to it.
On the other hand, if you're having trouble finding a good answer to this question, it could be a sign that there isn't much opportunity here and it's not worth it.
5. IS THIS 9 OR 10?
When you think about saying yes to anything, I want you to pause and rate the opportunity from 1-10. On this scale, 1 = Hard No (as in, I have zero interest in this) and 10 = Hell Yes (as in, this sounds incredible and totally suits me).
Now comes the easy-to-say and hard-to-do part: Just say yes to 9s and 10s.
Most people settle for 7s and 8s in their life and then wonder why they feel unfulfilled.
It takes a lot of courage to say no to a 7 or 8 opportunity - that's fine and has more pros than cons, but somehow just doesn't feel quite right. The fearful part of your brain will go crazy and ask, "What if this is the best I could hope for?" he will start to think.
But let me tell you, the people who got over this fear and persevered for the 9s and 10s? Their lives are not ordinary.
6. WHAT WOULD I DO IF I KNOW THAT NO ONE CAN BE DISAPPOINTED BOTH WAYS?
Okay, time for honesty: How many times have you said yes to something because you didn't want to disappoint a friend, coworker, or family member… and then you kicked yourself afterwards for really not having the time, energy, or desire. he is?
Avoiding disappointing others at all costs seems like the best thing to do, but you can soon start being rude to yourself. Saying yes to everything because you're afraid of hurting someone's feelings is a fast track to burnout and resentment. And it's actually counterproductive to maintaining healthy relationships because resentment only makes you feel less connected to the people in your life.
Regardless of other people's reactions, the best way to get clear on what you really want is to imagine what you would do if no one found out what you decided. If you could choose in complete privacy, what would you do?
7. HOW MUCH TIME AND ENERGY WILL THIS REQUIRE? AND IS IT WORTH IT?
Sometimes you say something, for reasons that are absolutely okay, but doing so will mean seriously overcommitting yourself.
After checking your values, intentions, and all other internal factors, you should ask yourself: “Is this the right time for me to do this? Do I have the time and energy for this right now?”
For example, Rachel and I have thought about writing a book many times. As someone who has dreamed of being a published writer since I was 5 years old, I really want to do this. But writing, editing, publishing and promoting a book is a HUGE effort and there has never been enough of a priority to warrant so much time and energy. At some point though, I'm sure that will change, and then my "not now" will become a big, fat "YES."
HOW IS THIS APPLICABLE TO YOU?
Now I'd love to hear how relevant this is to you right now. What are you arguing about saying yes to? How do you feel after thinking about your answers to these questions? I look forward to your comments and likes.
