I have never really been open talking about mental illness or depression back then. Perhaps I don't really know what people with mental illness are going through or perhaps lack of awareness. But until I realized something about myself, then I began to understand people struggling against their thoughts.
What I don't realize is I have them. All those negative thoughts I have, my fears and worries, avoidance on some things, intrusive thoughts, and a lot more. All I thought that's my normal. That's me, and everyone else do not have the same kind of thoughts that I do.
Back then, I used to think I have such gift. When negative thoughts come to my head, I thought it's a way that I can pray for it that such negative thing will not happen. I realized I am getting some sort of panic and anxiety attack. Praying for it is my way to feel at ease, then I realized it became a compulsion. It's all I can do so I will feel better. Of course, I believe in the power of prayer, but when it becomes a repetitive behavior just to feel better from any unwanted and recurring thoughts, I'm suffering from OCD.
Having OCD can be tiring when it's in your system. Intrusive thoughts often cross my mind but it's not what I really am. I hate that it ever gets into my head. I just pray to God to take such thoughts from my head. But what can I do? Such illness do exist.
Imagine yourself walking, and counting each step. Skipped a number because of worries that it might bring something "un-good". Some words even trigger your head that it needs to dig the positive thoughts to feel better. Going inside the door, and you don't want to take other way to go out. Wherever you got in is where you will go out. It's programmed in your head. In fact, there's a word in this post which I used because I feel it better than the other one. It's easy to spot.
When you find yourself crying because of self-pity why do you have to struggle that way. The war in your head, you just want to win. If only brains can be easily replaced with a better one, why not?
I admit living in silence for a long time that I'm okay, that there's nothing wrong with mental health. I just show my sympathy towards people manifesting their sadness and depression. I remember this friend of mine who shared an image on his Facebook stories which implies depression. I messaged him immediately. I didn't force him to talk me. I just offered myself ready to listen whenever he wants to talk about things, about life, and about what he's going through. He just thanked me, and I responded with a positive emoji. There's a time that he messaged me asking how I am. I just said I'm okay even though I am not completely okay. At times, being remembered can be helpful. Assurance that someone is available can be a comfort. Crying with someone without any words uttered can be comforting.
We're living in this world full of judgment, unsympathetic towards people struggling with their thoughts. At times, it can from a family, friend, and oftentimes, strangers. They lacked awareness. When you educate them, they won't listen. That's because they're not at anyone's shoes, but they'll only realize when they're already in such situation.
We don't have to force them if they won't listen. Some people out there will lend their ears if you want to talk. At times, concealment of such hardships is what people will take because no one is ready to listen. They'll tell you to just think positive. Of course, you want to think positive. Negative thoughts just come in involuntarily that you are not in control to stop them unnerving you.
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It is very easy to judge, we don't know enough about mental illnesses and for a long long time, there was no acknowledgement you just got told to pull yourself together. But like yourself, I make myself available anytime for anyone.