Still Grieving

Last night, my wife and I are having a conversation until the topic led to how I felt during my mother's battle against cancer and her death. My wife didn't want to talk about it because she gets affected easily, and didn't want to sleep with sadness as it will affect her sleep. I turned to the side with my back on her, and I started to weep.

It's been almost 15 years ago since my mother's passing, and there are times that I felt I'm still grieving. During the early months or even years of her death, I cry at times when I remember her but not the usual that I'll cry everyday. As much as possible, I busy myself to forget about grieving.

I'm not sure if it was suppressed but I didn't come to the phase that I'll always cry. I tried to get back to normal life but it will never happen because my normal life is with her being alive. It's different. I wanted to move on immediately. It's like being forced, I didn't let myself grieve like other people.

I never experienced anyone crying with me while grieving. I have been surrounded by people who are supposed to be doing that. I realized last night that nobody cried with me. Nobody ever listened on how I feel because nobody asked about it. There are a few (can be counted on the fingers of my one hand) who asked me how I am. Some of them, I can't feel the sincerity.

Others asked about losing my mom but they never asked how I feel, only about what really happened. They're sad that someone passed away, but I didn't feel they're sad for me.

The days of mother's wake, I do appreciate people coming in. People express their sadness on our loss but it's like an occasion for few days. Real grief starts after the burial. When you're at home, and it seems people has already forgot about it.

I felt the same way on my father's passing too. Actually, I felt more disturbed when my father passed away. Imagine losing the only parent you have, that must be very painful. I am in pain, and in a phase of hate at those who treated us badly, and has been backstabbing on our father.

I'm very much sensitive at that time. I felt as if everything is an issue. Even had fallout with a friend. His words added insult to injury, but everything's okay now. I wanted to runaway. It's as if I'm tired from sadness. The gap of my mother and father's death is only three years. That is quite short to grieve after a period a grief.

The difference between my mother and father before their death, my mother suffered more, and we witnessed the extreme pain she had. My father didn't experience such or probably he's hiding it. He told us why he decided to accept the surgery. He didn't want us to suffer again like how we suffered on our mother's battle for her life.

Thus, the months of mother's suffering is still very much alive in memory. When late July or August comes, I remember what I felt when we learned about the Stage 4 cancer diagnosis. The memories of me going immediately to the bathroom crying few minutes when they left to bring my mother to the hospital in Manila. I can still remember whenever we rush when extreme pain attacks my mother. Her last days in the hospital is coming back in my head during the third to fourth week of October. The same feeling about my father during the third week of January.

I know those months has some significance. My mother just turned 59, and after a day she died. My father died two days before their wedding anniversary. That should be their 41st anniversary. He is expecting to see his second grandson, who was born three days after. He's very excited to see him even telling my sister in law that he'll be back home from surgery on his grandson's birth. However, a week before his death, he told my sister in law that it seems he will never see his new grandson.

Yes, I think I'm still grieving even it's more than a decade. It will not go easily especially if the person has been a part of you, and as if you are already incomplete.