My Fear of Losing My Mother

I lost my mom when I was 23. At such age, it sounds quite old because it's already of age compared to some people who might not have seen their mother, or too young to remember their mom. At 23, I felt like the years we spent together is not enough. Back when I'm still at grade school, my fear is losing my mom. I even calculated my age when she's already at her 80s or 90s. I may be old enough when she reached that age.

As mentioned, I feared losing my mother when I was in grade school, and it turned into an anxiety. I had OCD, and I lived in avoidance of some situations and numbers just to ease my worries of losing her.

Her Parent's Passing

My grandfather passed away in 1999. I saw my mother's grief in losing her dad. Admittedly, I had never been close to my grandfather though I had memories of him giving me some money or food when I was young but that's it. Perhaps we haven't lived with them. Nevertheless, I cried during the day of my grandfather's interment seeing my mother crying badly. I realized how difficult it would be losing someone you loved.

Fast forward to 2003, my grandmother was diagnosed with damaged kidneys. Surgery won't do considering her age is at critical stage. All we can do is take care of her, no more treatment was given. It might've been one of my mother's lowest point. In an instance, I caught sight of her crying alone. I approached her, and tried to make her stop crying (though I felt like not in a comforting way), she told me "you have no idea what it's like losing a mom". It got a hit on me, turned back, and an intrusive thought flashed on me about losing her.

Diagnosed with Diabetes

Never have I seen my mother as weak as this. Prior to her consultation, she's so weak that she prefers sleeping most of the time. My father decided to take her to the doctor, there she was diagnosed with diabetes. Things has changed, and she took the time to rest often. Eventually, her condition improved as her blood sugar level was controlled. Grateful that she's a good patient, and complied whatever the doctor has told her to do. That was early 2005. My fear of losing my mother remains, and even got stronger.

A Year After

Her blood sugar level is often normal. I feel bad seeing her in envy while we're eating sweets so at some time, we gave her small portions. She takes her medicines regularly, and never skipped.

During those moments, I had spent more time with her. I got to be trained by her on our family business. There are moments when we walked together at the park to the beach. She had me as her companion while going to the market. Of course, we had at least a single misunderstanding but we immediately reconciled. Thinking about it today made me feel bad about myself despite it being minor.

The latter part of October, me, my mother, and my brother were afflicted with measles, and got well altogether too. November 1, 2006, it's been a dark moment when the illness which contributed to her eventual death manifested. We're unaware of her illness that time. There are pains in certain parts of her body. The house is dark due to power interruption, and my brothers are not at home because our cousins invited to play basketball. My father isn't home too, unsure where he was at that time. It's just me and my sister taking care of our mom, until my aunt came in to perform ventosa or cupping therapy, just in case it will bring relief. After the therapy, she spoke up as if she's bidding farewell, and her life won't stay longer. I turned back, and distanced from her a bit. I cried in the dark, wiped my eyes, and told her not to say that. My fear even grown stronger from then on. . .