Getting Sentimental

I may not be a fan of summer because of extreme heat but it doesn't mean I love rainy season. The season also means monsoon season so expect plenty of rains, and it's likely to give us floods as well. Also, typhoon is something I am scared of. I had experienced typhoons which caused a lot of damages in our province.

Rainy season also makes me feel sentimental. For sure many of us feel this kind of sadness when it's raining, rather we wanted to sleep. Besides, the start of rainy season reminds me of the moments which happened 15 years ago.

It may have been years ago but the pain isn't totally gone. I get sentimental during this coming season because I witnessed the extreme pain my mother had gone through. Cancer just made her life difficult until her passing.

Yesterday, while on a farewell party for our C.O., I saw my friend in tears. My wife asked why she's crying. Our C.O. and our friend is talking about brain aneurysm, and someone who died with that cause. Our friend remembered her mother who passed away just more than two months ago. The pain of her mother's death is still fresh.

I felt the same remembering my mother. The days and weeks after she passed away, those are the hardest moments. I cry alone in the room until I feel better. I have her picture in my room looking at her, and even talking to her picture. It might sounds crazy but it can happen to anyone.

When I got a new phone few months later, I had her picture as my wallpaper. That time, buying a phone with camera is expensive. I felt very happy when I had one. I captured a photo of my mom on a physical copy. It seems clear on my phone, and I can look at it when I miss my mother.

Aside from my mother, my father has already passed too. It was harder when taking care of our mother because we have to bear seeing her suffering. Imagine seeing your mom crying or shouting from pain. We are finding ways to ease her pain. When she feels a bit better, go out of the room, quite relieved. However, I will cry because of what she's going through. It's been my fear of losing her. What more during the days nearing her death? We know her condition is deteriorating despite hoping.

With regards to our father, we never really expected it to happen. When there's a mass building up on his pancreas, there's a feeling that he will survive it once he undergone surgery. He is even determined to undergo operation. He told us that he doesn't want us to suffer again the way we suffered on our mom's illness.

We never really saw our father experiencing the same pain my mother has gone through. He only complained the itchiness on his body. There are times when my father is alone, we don't know what he's feeling. He might be crying on his condition, or crying because of losing his wife. I remember on my mother's funeral, he tried not to cry but he's very sad. If only I can turn back time, I could've done something to spend more time with him. He might have grieved alone. Me and my siblings are busy with life, and grieved by ourselves. One of my regrets, I should've comforted my father as well. Well, situation is different then.

When someone you love dies, there's no way to escape sadness. Others try to control or suppress their emotions. That's not advisable. Cry whenever possible. It is normal. I heard stories about "unfinished business". Those people who suppressed their emotions and avoided grief had experienced extreme sadness and depression even after several years of the death of their loved one. It's like delaying grief when suppressing it.

I do cry when I remember my parents. I already have anxiety afflicting me. It would help if I just cry in few minutes so I will feel better afterwards.