I closed my eyes and tried not to scream at the top of my lungs.
Why can’t things just work out the way I want them to?
I had come to learn through so much frustration that sometimes, we don’t get what we ask for..
because we get what we need instead.
I knew that he was bad for me in every way, toxic even, but I was just so drawn to him when I shouldn’t have been..
But I had to break free if I was ever going to reclaim my self respect and peace.
Many years from now, I knew that I would look back at this defining moment and realize that I made the right choice..
But those hard decisions just hurt so much in the moment, right now can be so hard.
You can’t breathe, the walls seem to close in around you and the world just seems so dark.
Why must I say goodbye to someone that I love?
Because sometimes, people need to stay in your heart, but not your life.
He had led me down a terrible road and caused me so much pain, yet for some reason, I couldn’t let go..until now.
It hurt worse than anything I’ve ever known, but trying to love a toxic person slowly eats away at everything you are..
And I just couldn’t do it anymore.
I had lost pieces of myself trying to fix him and I was just tired.
I needed more than rest, I needed a change..
And I had to get away from the person I once thought was my everything to have the kind of future I knew I deserved.
He would never understand and probably hate me for it, but that’s okay..
I’m doing what’s best for both of us.
It won’t be easy and there will be so many times I’ll want to pick up the phone and reach out to him..but I can’t, I won’t.
My story had turned into a tale of anger, jealousy and rage from a person that said they loved me, and I couldn’t live like that anymore.
That isn’t who I’m meant to be- I’m capable of becoming so much more.
They say doing the right thing will set you free, but the truth is that it will break you first.
It shattered me and my heart into a million pieces as I trudged through each day trying not to think, not to feel..
But this is what I know- I have to be broken, beautifully so, to let the light into my soul where it has been covered in darkness.
I’ve dwelled so long in misery that I don’t even know how to find the light anymore on my own..
So, these steps I take now are for my heart, my future and to let the light in again.
I don’t know which way I’m headed or how I’ll make it through the day sometimes, but I’ll get stronger as each day passes.
It’s not easy as I cry in the shower and lay in bed awake at night, but it’s necessary to move on, to grow.
This will not define me, this pain and heartache.
He pushed me to the edge, but now I can see the truth of what he and I became..and it wasn’t healthy.
I’ll lose myself in my friends, my music and my hope, because that’s how I’ll keep getting stronger.
One day, it’ll stop hurting and begin fading away.
Until then, I’ll keep my face to the light, surround myself with those that feel like the sunshine and always know that brighter days are ahead.
Like always, I can do it..
I got this.